Saturday, November 03, 2007
--=DISCLAIMER: LONG ENTRY AHEAD=--i wonder if ppl think i'm emo... hmmmm.. why the sudden thot? cos when i told someone dat i love her, she thot i had cancer.. =.= and when i assured her i'm not dying, she thinks i'm being emo.. LOL
i swear i haven been emo for a VERY long time.. ask bc, ask db.. when i'm emo, i'm damn scary.. LOL here's some extract from my 1st blog.. the one when i was SUPER emo.. lolx.. i think it made bc wan to cry.. =x
"sometimes i ask myself.. shld i stop daydreaming? shld i end it all? but if i end it all, i noe i will die... i admit.. i can't bring myself to face reality.. i dun wan to.. dere's too many ugly things out dere.. in fact, i'm lyk a full time actress.. e me dat i show to ppl is actually a facade.. i convinced myself dat i'm actually living in a dream and dat my fantasies are, in truth, reality.. it's lyk dere's a mirror in between me and everything else.. i'm living in e mirror cos i can't bring myself to step out of it.. i dun ask for ppl to step into my world.. not even ***.. cos it's not fair.. all i ask for *** is to stay e same as b4.. cos wen i'm ard him, i can still believe dat a part of me remains in reality..
it might seem silly but wen i'm ard my frens, i'm constantly living in a dream.. i'll keep imagining dangerous scenes and me being e genius and saving everyone.. lame but.. it makes my life beta.. dis kind of lying to myself.. at least it made me feel secure enough to wan to stay in e grp..
sometimes, i wld mock myself.. i'm so gd at weaving tales dat i've convinced myself dat everyone, namely ***, ***, ****, *** and ***, need me.. wat a huge shock i got wen i finally realised dat dey could actually forget my existance in a mere second.. dat, dey can live without me thus forcing me to see dat i'm dreaming.. many a times, i wish i could break down and cry.. but no tears wld come.. unlyk ***, i dun think death wld b my salvation.. i believe it wld entangle me wif sth worse than now.. i truly believed dat dreaming wld b my salvation.. sometimes, i wld imagine myself a popstar.. or a magical being.. or watever i can think of dat sets me apart frm others.. i keep thinking dat i'm unique but.. dat's only me rite? wat i think is unique, others may think of it as normal, isn't it? so y do i still keep lying to myself? but if i really stop believing, wld i b able to live? at least now, i can still talk and joke ard wif others.. i can laugh and pretend nth is wrong wif me.. isn't dat gd enuf? i dunno..
even as i speak now, i'm still trying to lie to myself dat everything is ok... i mean, my problems aren't dat serious.. as compared to *** who's cutting herself and having suicidal thots.. **** whom i noe is somehow hurting but i dunno his cause of hurt.. everyone ard me has problems so who am i to wallow in my own misery after i tried so hard to convince myself dat dey need me? i'm living in a dream again.. in a dream where i dun wan to wake up.. wat if i wake up and find dat *** is gone? wat if i wake up and find dat ***, ****, *** and *** dun exist at all? wat if i'm so lost in my dream dat i've completely lost myself? dere's so many qns but no ans.. i'm so pathetic.. i really wonder if i really deserve *** cos he's almost lyk someone i dreamt up of.. e perfect partner.. wat wld become of me if i lose him?
i wan to cry but y can't i seem to cry? i feel so hollow.. i dun wanna slp cos wen i close my eyes, e darkness wld consume me.. i wld den feel e cold.. e chill wld even penetrate my blanket and shoot rite into my heart.. cos wen i slp, dat's wen all of my nitemares start.. i'm afraid of closing my eyes.. afraid of not seeing, only feeling e cold.. lyk dere is abosolutely nth to save me.. only wen i wake up in e morning do i let out a sigh of relief and thank god dat i've survived my ordeal.. oh. i dun believe in god but.. a simple thanks wldn't hurt.."
super long entry rite.. and it's only half of it.. =.= dis is one of my more emo entries.. there's more.. but yea.. dis one talks abt my fears.. i've censored the names of my frens to protect their identities.. but it's more to prevent them from thinking of the past unhappiness..
muz be wondering why i'm reading my 1st blog rite.. memories are very precious.. it's impossible to forget but easy to neglect.. sometimes we think we've forgotten abt many things but as we read abt it or talk abt it, we find that we nv forget.. dat's the power of memories..
perhaps i was emo in the past.. but since i entered poly, i was nv emo alr.. all i ever was, is being depressed.. or lonely.. dat is not emo.. when i'm emo, i'm suicidal.. hmm.. wait.. i did feel suicidal once dis yr.. ok.. so mayb i was emo for a period of time.. =x but yea.. it's really far and between.. i dun lyk being emo.. it juz makes my life all bleak.. yea, i still maintain the old habit of daydreaming.. but at least i'm more aware of my surroundings.. i'm still living in a dream but at least i've stop weaving ridiculous tales.. haha dat's an improvement i suppose..
i rmb db once said she didnt lyk me being so wild.. it kind of makes me wonder.. am i a better person now or before? which is the me ppl would prefer? my poly frenz would most probably prefer me as i am now.. cos they only noe dis side of me.. i really did change.. i've changed so much.. so much so i almost couldnt recognise myself.. i mean i couldnt believe i was once that emo..
i dunno why i'm writing such a long entry abt me being emo or the lack of it.. i guess reading blog does dat to me.. makes me reflect alot.. i realise i prefer the old entries.. not dat the new ones are boring but because i recognise you in those entries.. i nv really knew when you changed.. but as i read, i realise you've changed in the course of those few months dat you were gone.. wat caused you to change? my negligence? or your choice? suddenly i find myself missing the things we once shared.. i find myself wishing things would be beta.. i find myself wishing, we dun change..