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Friday, June 30, 2006

last nite, i asked sy.. y do ppl feel pain wen dere are no wounds? up till now, i still dunno e ans.. but i do noe HOW a person can feel pain wen dere's no wounds.. cos i've experienced dat.. dat pain juz came frm nowhere and it started to consume me... eating away at my soul.. sy asked me juz now.. wat caused u so much pain? i didn't dare to tell him dat e person who caused me so much pain, was actually myself.. i'm so mad at myself.. y did i let down my defences? y did i show my weakness? y did i nearly break down? today in class, i'm supposed to present part of my sppech to e class.. i only knew abt it last nite so naturally, i wasn't prepared.. but den again, who cares? i felt lyk crying so much.. i nearly cried in class.. i wasn't kidding wen i said i felt lyk dying.. ppl juz laughed it off.. hey, i dun joke abt such stuff dat much.. and i'm mad at myself for being so weak.. den i felt pain.. pain frm knowing dat i'm actually juz dat useless.. for god's sake.. i cant even speak properly in front of my classmates.. i felt pain frm knowing dat.. wen e tutor asked if dere was anything dey lyk abt my speech, dere was dis heavy silence.. mayb no one knew but dat silence juz added a heavy load on my heart.. i felt so useless, felt so helpless.. and i cant hlp remembering my mom saying dat i'm useless wen i expressed my fear of public speaking.. thks for comforting me.. yea rite..

so dis gloomy cloud was hanging over me throughout e lesson but i told myself to hold on.. mayb wen i see sy later, he could lend me a shoulder to lean on.. but after lesson, wen i called him, he was asleep.. so i kept quiet and told him to rest.. den i called bc.. but he's at hm.. and db's at his hse.. dey told me to go over but i said no.. cos i really dun have e strength to go up dere and b happy.. i juz needed a shoulder to lean on but den none was available.. i was holding back my tears, holding back my despair.. i'm struggling.. but dere's no one dere.. so wat can i do? i simply did wat i always do in such situations.. pretend to b strong and wen dere's finally a shoulder to lean on, let go and mayb cry.. but crying's hard.. cos dere's no tears left in me.. i'm really tired le.. really tired of dis weaker side of me.. somehow, i really wish i didn't existed...

i noe db offered to listen.. but rite now, saying it out juz makes it all e more true.. for once, i'm trying to run away.. saying is akin to admitting dat i'm weak and i noe i wld break down.. i wldn't wan dat to happen.. not because of a stupid speech..

i wld really wan to have a hug frm u.. but wld it b weird? cos i really need ur support now..

did dis quiz on quizilla on wat is my guardian angel and got dis result.. decided to share wif everyone..

**********
You like the unknown, and you like to find the answers out for yourself, not just sit back and read about it. You're very creative, and you like a challenge. Your angel feels the same way, often prompting you to investigate things. You don't open up very much, you don't like people to know every detail about your life, and you like people who aren't willing to tell you everything either. You can be a little headstrong at times, and you don't always use common sense. You tend to have a bad side, often rebuking authority. You don't like to be told what to do, and you are always VERY curious, especially when people tell you to forget about something. You also tend to be very mischievous. You are very sneaky, and your angel protects you from harm. Just a warning: she can't protect you from everything...

Your guardian angel looks dark, but looks can be decieving. She has demon wings, but an angelic face. She's mischievous, playful, but not evil.
**********

hmm.. dat shld b all.. i'm not in a gd mood now so wun say anything much.. ciao..

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

well.. i muz have mentioned abt my rashes in my previous entry.. yea.. and thks to the similar rashes, i cant go to sch today.. cos ytd, my rashes started to spread to my whole body (thank god it's not my face!!) and it's rather itchy.. so ytd, i went hm early frm sch.. met up wif db and van den go to my hse le.. cos i was simply very uncomfy.. so wen we reached my hse, e 1st thing did was (naturally) turn on my com.. haha.. den we went online and searched for cures for rashes.. =.= so yea.. den dere was dis site dat said to wash e rashes wif cold water.. so db and van told me to go bathe in cold water.. ok lorx.. i guai guai go bathe in cold water ma.. den bathe halfway den find out my back and body de rashes very jialat.. so i come out liao show db and van ma.. and dey were lyk, "wah!! so jialat ar... i think u beta go see doctor." =.= okaaaaay... i hate doctors.. dun ask me y, i juz dun lyk dem and their pointy fren( needles -___-).. so den bc come.. den he took one look at me and said,"wah!! dun show me. very scary lehx. wah!!i think of it liao oso scared." -____- and all we did was tell him how bad it was.. hyuk hyuk.. den somwhow bc thot up of a way to stop me from scratching myself.. and it was to beat e itchy area.. which was practically my whole body except for my face.. ya.. so all 3 of dem started beating me up.. itchy or not oso beat.. i think dey were waiting for dis day to beat me up.. =.= and dat db said," wah! di yi ci qr zhe me tao da!"

-__________________- rite.....

anyways, i wldn't mind dat much.. since dey were trying to hlp me.. haha.. den my bro came hm.. dat's wen all hell broke loose.. he took one look at me den went straight for e phone.. he started calling my parents, telling dem how bad it is.. and dat sealed my fate of having to see a doc dat nite... den my bro told me to put some powder so i wldn't feel so itchy.. he went into my parents' rm and brought out a bottle of powder.. i was suspicious.. so i asked him,"where did dat come from?" he answer,"army de powder" and bc was lyk," army de ar? army de powder gd!" i was rite to be suspicious.. cos i asked," who went to army? u ar?" and my bro answered," no, it's our dad's..." everyone burst out laughing

-_______________-

didn't get e joke? well.. here's a little math.. my dad's 51 yrs old now.. a guy enlists into e army at e age of 18.. and so...

51-18= 33

dere's a chance of e powder being 33 yrs old!! it's even older than me.. do u think i can use dat??? no way... den my bro argued," it's from his reservist de la!!" okaaaaaaaaaay... wat is e oldest age for reservist? 35 yrs of age.. and my dad's 51.. here's another math...

51-35=16

even if it's from my dad's reservist, it's still 16 yrs old!!! over a decade and i dun think e powder was manufactured on e yr it was given.. so it might b over 16 yrs.. who noes, it might even go up to 20yrs!! so how can i endanger myself? wldn't dere b side effects if i used it? i dunno.. i dun wanna noe.. so my bro threw e powder away.. (thank god for rubbish dumps!! =.=) and he went into my parents' room again and got out e baby powder.. ok.. i could use dat.. so i got van to hlp me cos i cant reach my back.. after we were done, van said,"oh.. deng yi xia wo yao gen sy jiang ni quan shen shang xia dou gei wo mo guo~!!"

-__________________-

all i let her touch was my arms, legs, neck and back.. nvm.. i noe she was joking.. haha.. fast forward to e doc's.. went to see e doc.. he looked at me and asked me qns.. and i answered den truthfully.. den he asked me, "do u wan a jab, or do u wan to eat meds? i anything de." =.= of course he anything.. i'm e one taking e jab or eating e meds.. he's e one administering it!! so anyways, i answered," take jab lorx.. i oso anything de.." hyuk hyuk.. bring on ur best needles man!! -____________- i'm being lame here..

so yea, i got a jab, and an mc.. cos i dun wan to go to sch and scare my classmates.. and i really cant stand ppl asking me if it was contagious.. are u dumb?!?! if it's contagious, wld i even go to sch?!?! but den, some ppl juz dunno how to think.. so yea.. i'm hiding at hm today.. it's goning to b a boring day...

Sunday, June 25, 2006

phew.. i've finally completed e bloody bcs project today.. i was super stressed up.. cos i had to design and make a website.. den i was later informed dat i had to do a ppt as well.. i assure u, u do NOT wan to noe how dat felt man.. it's almost lyk someone dropping a bomb on top of ur head.. u noe, dat "omg, my world juz crashed" kind of feeling.. yea.. dat's how i felt at dat time.. and trust me.. u dun wan to familiarize urself wif dat feeling.. i'm lyk going bonkers dese past few days.. my previous entries as evidence.. dis is how much stress can drive a person crazy.. yea well.. i noe i rambled a lot abt loads of stuff and i can confirm dat wat i've said were absolutely true.. ok.. mayb not e part abt me being stupid and all but yea, basically, it's all true.. i'm not saying dat i'm clever kz.. i noe i can b dumb at times but hey, ppl make mistakes ok.. i'm no exception.. yup, so now i'm pretty much happy after i've cleared e work.. *gives myself a pat on the shoulders and say,"gd job, kelly"^^* i'm really quite proud of myself u noe.. cos it's my 1st website and i did it on my own!! *ok, mayb wif a little hlp frm my bro and a lot of book flippings but i still did it..* and e ppt.. i feel dat it's f***ing great.. cos i played ard wif e hyperlinks and all.. haha.. i seriously had a lot of fun on dat.. but frm wat my grp members told me, e website's e best.. =.= and to think i felt dat it sux.. hmm.. i wonder if dey're juz consoling me..

-___________________- i seriously wldn't lyk dat..

hyuk hyuk.. so i'm seriously hoping dat it's really gd.. a lot of ppl actually told me dat it's nice.. but i'm being typically myself so i kept finding fault wif e way i've done things but i cant change dem now.. *too bad, evil qr* haha.. i've already burnt everything into a cd and i'll submit it tml morning.. =D i'm so glad it's over.. i'm filled wif a warm fuzzy feeling now.. keke.. cos i'm so satisfied.. if u wanna have a look at my brainchild, go to www.geocities.com/darkw1ngs to view..

hmm.. projects aside.. time for some updates.. well, since last wk, i was sick.. =x yesh.. i've got a pretty serious cough and mayb a slight flu.. and guess wat? i've developed rashes 2 days ago! ARGHHHH!!! so now my arms and legs are covered wif red spots.. looks so ugly.. damn i hate it!! and wen i went to see e doc ytd and told him abt it, he was lyk," i dun think it's anything serious. juz let it fade on it's own"

-__________-

hello?!?! i came to u cos i needed a cure for it, not to wait for it to fade... i dun wan to go to sch covered in spots u noe... and no, in case u're wondering, e rash is NOT contagious.. i repeat, it's NOT contagious.. so pls dun avoid me wen u see me on e streets or in sch or watever place la! =.= now I'M being lame..

so yea, i'll b a "gd" girl and wait for e rash to fade.. in e mean time, i think i'll try to cover up as much as possible.. so watch out ppl, spotty girl's on e loose!!

-____________________________- yea rite..

Friday, June 23, 2006

guess wat i'm doing now.. sitting at hm(yea of course i'm hm.. how else wld i be blogging.. =.=) and laughing at myself.. yesh.. dat's sth new.. i'm laughing at myself.. cos seriously la.. how long am i gonna hope and dream?? y cant i simply juz wake up.. wat made me think dat i am in some way special? y is it dat everytime i make myself feel gd, sth or sum1 wld spoil it and make me all feeling bad abt myself again?? y do i keep hoping dat i am special to sum1? y do i keep dreaming dat everythings ok?? y do i dream of impossible things? y do i keep dreaming and dreaming and CANT WAKE UP???? JUZ STOP IT!! STOP IT!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!!! for once, i hate my dreams.. cos i've been so harshly brought back by reality dat for once, i saw how stupid i've been all along.. i look back at my past actions and i wonder.. y all those crazy stunts? y e crazy thos? y do i drink so much even though i dun lyk drinking? y do i do stupid things and try to make others worry? y? y? y? y do i feel so cold? even wen ppl show their concern for me, i cant feel anything.. i make ppl worry on purpose.. i do things i dun lyk on purpose.. everything i do to torture myself.. all for wat? i juz dunno... i juz need some sense of security.. juz to let me noe dat i wld nv b let down.. i realized dat by doing stupid stunts lyk drinking and banging my head, ppl will b concerned and tell me to take care and all dat stuff.. i'm sick ok... i'm seriously sick.. cos frm young, only wen i hurt myself or do sth stupid, will ppl den notice me.. otherwise, no one knows i exist.. yesh, i'm loud.. so wat? dat got ppl's attention, didn't it? have u felt so left alone dat sometimes u think, "hey, mayb dey wun notice even wen i'm dead.." i've had dat kind of thinking u noe.. sometimes i even ask myself, am i my parents' biological daughter? if i am, y do dey sometimes not noe of my existance? my bro calls me ugly, stupid.. yea.. mayb i am.. outside, ppl say i'm cute.. i'll smile and say thank you.. but deep in my heart, i'm thinking," dun bluff la.. i noe i'm ugly.." all dis dark thots follow me everyday of my life.. so now i ask myself again, dun u think it's time to wake up? or shld i continue dreaming?

let's see.. i drink, gamble and mayb fight.. but how many of those do i lyk? yes, i can drink but i dun lyk drinking.. yes, i gamble but i dun encourage gambling.. yes, i fight but i hate hurting ppl.. contradictive? yes, i believe so.. but y do i do all dis? wen i was a small kid, i had my 1st taste of beer.. and guess wat e adults said? "wah.. so clever ar.. so young noe how to drink liao.." and so, i grew up thinking dat if i continue to drink, e adults wld praise me more.. and teachers always say dat if a person praises u, u've done e rite thing.. yesh, adults praise me wen i drink so i'll continue drinking as much as i dun lyk it.. gamble.. my cousins love it wen i gamble wif dem.. somehow, we kids were given e idea dat if u dun gamble, u dun belong to dis circle of cousins.. so all e cousins gamble together.. yes, i've won, i've lost.. but i dun care abt dat.. i care more abt belonging and having a place in e family ba.. fighting.. no excuses though.. i juz simply tell myself since i drink and gamble, i might as well fight.. dat wld make me a really bad person and i wld stand out in my circle of cousins.. true enuff, my cousins paid more attention to me after dey knew i could drink, gamble and fight.. hey, i became one of dem! even as i embark on e path of self destruction, i still secretly harbor a small flame of hope dat i could really b me.. but i guess dat's not going to happen.. i'm too deep into it.. i've been lyk dis for over a decade... how do i change back wen i cant even rmb wat i was lyk b4 i changed into who i am now..

hmm.. wat prompted me to write all dis? actually nth much.. juz a small disappointment and a huge wake up call?? i dunno.. i juz suddenly feel so lousy abt myself.. but now i'm a little beta le.. cos i've let it out.. anywayz.. dunno la.. mayb i'll feel lousy abt myself again.. but so far now i not so jia lat le.. i guess dat's all ba.. ciao

Thursday, June 22, 2006

ok... i'm really very stressed up now... cos my com's not working(i'm using my cousin's com) and i have loads of projects to do!!! wat's worse, 2 of e projects are due nxt wk!!! i've only got 3 days to finish but i dunno how to do... shit man... i'm so screwed now... i really need help but.... i cant seem to contact anyone and dat really sux.... let's face it.. life sux.. but i guess currently i'm e only one who notices... ok mayb life doesn't sux.. i sux.. mayb if i wasn't soo stupid, i might get e things done fast... but dat's e problem... i'm dat stupid....

Saturday, June 17, 2006

hmm.. today went out wif sy.. he finally recovered... he was sick for a wk... =.= and now it's my turn... i'm lyk coughing lyk crazy now la.. anyways... went east point wif sy to play pool... i won 4 times.. haha.. cos sy keep hitting e black ball in.. i won by default.. haha.. easy win~~~ keke.. den went to soccer wif him... gray still no voice.. =.= sy coughing.. 2 sick cats... and dey have a soccer match tml... -____- how r dey going to play?? are those 2 going to cough throughout e game?? dat wld b interesting to watch.. not dat i will b dere... cos tml's sunday and it's father's day... i might not b dere physically, but my mind wld b wif dem all e way de... haha...

anyways.. watched dem play soccer today.. finally noticed how sy plays.. not bad la.. nth to complain but oso nth to praise.. haha.. i have high expectations kz... overall is not bad.. lyk gray.. i oso no comment on gray... juz hope dat dey play well tml.. halfway thru, my past caught up wif me... he msged me.. nvm who.. juz noe dat he's not someone i wan to contact.. not now, not ever.. i mean, after 3-4mths, i thot he left s'pore.. but he suddenly contacted me and said he still miss me.. haiz.. y... he asked after me.. i was afraid to reply.. gray oso told me not to reply.. i deleted e msg.. i told sy abt it and he was joking ard abt going to whack him.. i noe sy's joking but i'm troubled.. cos he's supposed to get married early dis yr.. but it didn't happen cos he said he couldn't forget me.. for heaven's sake!!! i'm an innocent 3rd party here!! i unintentionally ruined a person's marriage.. and i wasn't even in love wif him.. he said he's in love wif me.. i didn't ask for dat... i can't and won't accept his 'love'.. i dun believe then, i dun believe now.. i already made it clear to him dat it impossible.. he knows.. but still... he continues to 'show' me dat he loves me.. by asking me out and giving me gifts.. i didn't agree and i didn't accept.. i've made it clear dat i wld not accept him.. his family wldn't accept me too.. wat's more, i'm attached.. and i'm not even in love wif him.. my heart's wif sy.. i thot he went back to m'sia.. but i reckoned he came back.. let's juz hope dat he's not working at dat place again.. or else i wld surely meet him.. one thing which i dun ever wan to happen...

Saturday, June 10, 2006

diaox.. i really dunno y i'm bothering la.. but.. i juz realized dat one of my entries made things between me and sq worse.. and e funny thing? i was juz sharing some of my favourites quotes but somehow, sq thinks dat i'm toking abt him.. really dunno la.. but if dat's e way he wants to think, go ahead.. i dun see things between u and me as darkness.. i juz see it as a part and parcel of my life.. something which makes me whole.. and by e way, sy did not steal love away frm anyone lorx.. and dun u dare say bc as well... if u dun dare to woo a girl, juz say it... dun say dat u dun wan to be lyk sy or bc.. dun u think dat u're being childish?? and look who's contradicting who... u told me to stay out of ur life.. nice joke.. i dun rmb saying anything on ur blog? u simply found out from MY blog.. u wan me to stay out of ur life?? i nv even step into it.. dun think dat everything i said is abt u... i have a life too.. since wen did i take away everything?? if ppl dunno, dey wldn't think dat u bully me.. dey'll juz think dat i'm a bitch... i'm really sick of u trying to put all e blame on me.. yea, mayb some of it are my fault but all?? i guess it's time i stood up for myself.. i dun think ur blog's boring.. juz dat e feelings i get after reading it.. i seriously pity u.. cos if u wan to act childish for so long, i dunno how long u can hold on to sanity.. u claim u hate ur world... let me remind u dat everyone's living in e same world.. it's juz how u perceive it.. but i guess dis is e last time i'm toking abt dis.. cos seriously.. grow up, sq...

to others reading dis.. i noe i sound harsh.. but i'm really annoyed rite now.. so, i dun care even if i'm in e wrong now.. mayb i'll apologise but not today... cos really, aren't u ppl sick and tired of me toking abt sq??? i'm sick...

Sunday, June 04, 2006

rite.. i'm back again.. for another bout of crapping.. cos i really cant bring myself to study.. oh.. and e cool thing is, my bro's missing.. literally.. we cant contact him and dat idiot doesn't noe how to contact us.. seemed dat his phone gotten missing.. cos guess wat.. one min we can call him, e nxt min, his phone is unavailable.. now my mom's 'bouncing' wif anxiety.. looks lyk world war 3's gonna happen anytime soon.. yup.. it's starting.. and moi dad's getting e brunt of it.. lucky me.. but i guess it'll b me nxt.. i beta keep my mouth shut for e time being.. i dun wanna get 'shot' at for nth.. anyways, she's calling my bro's fren's hse now to get his fren's no.. damn.. i think he's so gonna to die... mayb my hopes of getting a new hp is coming true.. dere's a possibility dat his phone is missing too.. =.= now dat's weird.. my bro's missing and so is his phone.. but r dey together??? -________-

i noe i'm being lame here.. oh.. she contacted his fren le... haha.. he hung up on my mom... my god... now e fren's gonna die... =.= ok.. i'm being weird here.. ok.. so my bro's still over at dunno where.. but he cant get to e phone.. haha.. damn weird.. i think she found him.. keke.. he's really dead.. damn... she didn't scold him... dat's so lucky of him.... he sure got off easy.. and damn... he didn't lose his phone.... no batt... sianz... my hopes r dashed and i'm dead... cos i kana frm my mom... damn... i'm gonna kill my bro!!!!

anyways, was searching for nice pics on e net.. not studying... i really sucked at convincing myself to study.. yea well, i'm glad for dat.. haha... well, tml going out wif sy.. =p but dunno go where.. lucky tue no paper.. so i can go out.. keke.. hmm... tml's paper is econs... e most later go do some qns...

i'm seriously very bored... my dad wan me to tidy my room... =.= if only u could see my rm.. some1 tell me how do u clear a sea of 'garbage'??? haix.. forget it.. i cant bring myself to clear it too... pui.. i'm seriously lazy.. haha

thinking abt e test tml... my mom wan me to wear skirt to sch tml... haha.. no la..she suggest nia.. and i was lyk... ok lorx.. skirt lorx... anyways, it's not a if i nv wear skirt b4.... no special reason... haha

toking to sk now... dunno y i ended up toking to him abt relationship.. and he was going on abt trust, commitment and time management.. haha.. speaking of relationships.. i'm rather worried abt gray and van... dunno wat's wrong wif van la... but gray's been really upset le... haiz.. really dun wan my gor to b sad.. but wat can i do? i cant possibly interfere.. cos it's between them.. wat's more, i've got sy.. i cant juz put down my relationship and hlp dem ba.. juz sry lorx.. e most i can do is listen... and mayb give advice.. other than dat, i cant do much.. i already did my best le.. hmm.. juz hope dat things will b ok ba.. end up hols i will b accompanying sy and gray.. haha.. i really need time management le.. one my bf, e other my gor.. haiyo... qr jia you!!!! haha.. i dun mind pei e 2 of dem.. juz hope dat sy wun mind.. =s anyways... i gtg le.. ciao ppl.. i promise dis is e last entry of e day...

haiz.. supposed to study now... but.... i cant concentrate!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!! how?? haven even started studying... i tml test liao... shit.. haix.. all i did was to edit my blog template.. ytd oso supposed to study.. end up sick so i slept.. today supposed to study.. and i'm crapping here.. kaoz... qr is being a bad girl today... pui... and i dun even noe wat i wan to say here.. crap crap crap!!! hmm.. trying to get ppl's opinion on my blog.. asked bc le.. he said nice.. but e words ar... will try to make it go away.. wanted to ask sy to take a look.. but it wld mean he wld read my entries la.. haha.. i dunno wat i'm afraid of.. but simply didn't wan him to wry too much? haha.. i'm a really problematic gf sia.. hmm.. see how la.. hmm.. so anyone who has read dis entry, pls tag to tell me if my blog looks nice or not!~~~

nope, i still cant convince myself to study.. my room's in a mess.. =s omg, how am i going to survive sia.. i'm a bundle of nerves now.. bc hlping me on my blog template.. i still trying to tell myself to study.. bleahx.. i'm fighting a hopeless battle.. oh well, guess i'll juz get into e exam hall unprepared den.. not dat i nv tried it b4..

my mind's seriously in a mess rite now.. let's see.. wat m i thinking of rite now... nth!!! my mind's gone blank on me!!! damn.... i juz thot of sth.. i'll talk abt e joys of toilets.. yup.. such a great topic... yea rite..

=.=

anyways, wat do we noe abt toilets?? well, it's a place where we do our big/small "business".. haha.. u get wat i mean so i wun elaborate.. so, wat else do we do? well, i rmb one of my classmates telling me dat guys masterbate in e toilets.. =.= ok...... anyways, we'll talk abt dat later.. back to toilets.. let's see... i suppose a lot of ppl wld agree dat toilets r rather relaxing.. haha.. nobody wld disturb u while u're in dere... anyways, y wld i say dis? cos i've spent e most wonderful times in e toilet.. haha.. dun get me wrong.. juz dat i somehow think really well while i'm in e toilet... mayb cos i'm really relaxed, and i juz let my brain wander.. den i really got very far.. haha.. i'm serious.. dere was once or twice wen i'm having an exam, i couldn't think no matter how hard i tried.. so i went to e toilet and WHAM!!! e ans came to me.. imagine my excitement... i ran back to complete e bloody paper.. =.= back to e topic..

we can do a lot of things in e toilet.. other than to take a pee or squeeze out a piece of shit dat is.. i do my thinking in dere.. i slept in e toilet once.... dat's cos i was too tired.. not becos i chose to slp dere.. =x anyways, previously i mentioned dat my classmate told me sth dat i did not need to noe.. haha.. yup.. masturbation... yea well.. i dunno how we got to talk abt dat but somehow we did.. imagine 5 or 6 ppl talking abt sex.. =s anyways, we were discussing abt bra sizes.. and somehow, we moved on to masturbation.. and e guys were lyk, " i did it in e toilet.." well, duh... where else wld u wan to do it? in public?? well, dat's not e point.. some guys, as i was told, actually did it on their bed.. i was lyk, " really?!?!" imagine e bed filled wif dat guy's semen.. yikes.. dat is sth u dun wanna see.. anyways, we were discussing dis in class.. and we were lyk laughing loudly over it.. and e tutor was sending us death glares all along.. but do u think we care?? nope, we continued talking abt it.. oh yea, one of my male classmates told me how a girl masturbates.. i seriouly didn't noe abt dat.. i'm a little blur on dat.. so anyways, i asked him how girls do it.. and he said, " juz stick it in" =.= am i suppose to understand dat?? i guess not.. dat's y i told him to elaborate.. haha.. and damn sure he got awkward.. he nv expected me to NOT noe abt it.. and he was going," no la.. dun corrupt u.." hey come on man.. u already told me to stick it in.. wat e hell do u mean by dat?? stick wat into wat?? up till now, i still dunno e ans.. =.= oh wait.. i noe stick wat.. i juz dunno into where.. yea.. anyways, e examples dey gave was simply OUT OF E BOX!!!! i think he said sth abt e handle of a hammer?? and another guy told me rolling a stack of papers... =s yikes!!!

gotta stop dat now.. my bf might not wan to see dis.. okie.. anyways.. wat else can we tok abt?? ah!!! i saw on e news dis morning, dat bees were attacking ppl.. i nv notice e where, wat or how la.. juz dat bees were flying everywhere and anywhere... haha.. bees... i dun lyk their sting but i LOVE e honey!! i wld love a cup of honey lemon now... ok.. i'm getting off track here.. anyways, ppl who have tasted honry wld definitely agree wif me.. it's worth getting stung by a bee juz for e taste of its honey.. i think i juz became winnie e pooh!!! oh my!! i'm yellow!! =.= yea rite.. so yea, honey's great.. dat's my point.. =x

haha.. i'm seriously crapping here.. see wat e combination of studies and boredom can do to a person?? yea well, dun try dis at hm.. seek medical consultation before attempting.. okie.. enuff crap.. i gotta find my runaway thots now.. ciao

Saturday, June 03, 2006

i suppose dis will be e entry where i say sayonara to part of my past ba.. thinking back, i've made a lot of mistakes.. done a lot of wrongs.. mayb my worse mistake was to simply let things b ba... i'm already given a chance to b happy now.. but somehow i feel dat perhaps for one last time, say gdbye.. gdbye to those wrong things, gdbye to those unwanted memories.. most of all, gdbye to myself.. if u thik dat dis is dumb, leave rite now.. cos wat i'm gonna say is even dumber..

hmm.. as i read db's and sq's blog, i cant help thinking.. how has things come to dis point? and i cant hlp being angry at dis world as to y muz things change? how do we become frenz frm strangers? and how do we become enemies from frenz? all it takes was a simple word and a simple action.. and things change.. i kept asking y? y? y? but no ans came.. words were said, feelings were hurt.. hate develops.. can we really stop all dis? i'm tired frm all dis changes.. i juz wosh dat for once, things remain as b4.. where hate does not exist.. where frenz, were simply e greatest joy of our lives.. everyone bears a scar frm e past.. but how many of us let e scar heal? apparently not me.. cos it serves as a reminder to myself.. to remind myself dat at one point of my life, i've shed so many tears.. so much dat i wld not let e same thing to occur again..

many a times, i tell myself dat everything will b ok.. but is it really e truth? looking at me and sq, i cant hlp thinking wat had gone wrong? everything was ok after we broke up.. we were still frenz.. den suddenly, i find myself not wanting to talk to him.. giving him e cold shoulder.. up till now, i still didn't noe e reason for my actions.. and all dis slowly summed up to his hate towards me ba.. my indifference to him, and my being close to sy... i suppose dat was e last straw ba.. i really dunno.. i mean, i'm really troubled over dis ba.. mayb somewhere deep in my heart, i was hoping dat sq wld come to me and say, "i'm happy for u.." but i suppose i'm asking for too much rite? i juz have to make do wif now, i guess.. but i really hope one day, u wld juz tell me dat.. cos i noe i wld say e same to u.. haiz.. nvm la... juz wish u all e best le..

dreaming.. such a wonderfull escape for me.. a wonderful shield dat blocks away all my unhappinees.. but den i still have to come down to reality.. frenship.. wat does it encompass? how much worth does it have? i guess i'll nv find out.. haiz.. frenship is a very fragile matter ba.. i really dunno la.. juz dat, i find dat if ppl dun remain contact for long, dey drift apart.. i'm not aiming at anyone.. juz feel lyk saying.. i find myself drifting liao.. lyk dere's no place dat belongs to me anymore.. i'm lyk.. starting not to care liao.. dese few days.. juz not noticing anything le.. i'm simply zoning out.. everyone think dat i'm thinking of sth.. but to tell e truth, my mind was blank.. i was simply staring into space.. i dunno wat i'm toking abt now.. sry, i'm crapping here.. i really need someone to bring me back to earth ba.. hoping dat someone was db but.. she's got things dat she need to handle de.. so e nxt person i turn to is sy.. nv tell him much.. juz silently taking in his comfort.. something dat makes me feel down to earth.. i guess dat's wat i really need ba.. juz b dere.. cos i need someone.. someone to bring me back wen i'm gone..

i've changed a lot le.. in e past, i nv really knew how to stand up for myself.. now, i noe how to say wat i wan and wat i dun wan le.. mayb now, i wun keep pushing myself to do wat i dun lyk ba.. for once, i wan to live for myself, not for others.. but dat does not mean dat i'm totally gone.. a part of me wld still remain.. my motto in life wld still b to see ppl smile.. but not to e extent of sacrificing my own happiness.. not now, not ever.. i cant juz keep hurting myself dis way anymore.. not if i truly wan to b happy.. i now noe wat i wan.. i wan to b happy.. i wan to laugh without any care.. i wan to truly smile.. i wan to b happy for myself.. not for others.. i've been playing e role of e clown for many yrs.. i guess it's abt time i stopped.. mayb for once, i wan to b entertained.. to feel dat someone actually wan to see my smile.. to enjoy ba.. it's tough being an entertainer.. cos even if u're unhappy, u cant show it.. i wan to show my true feelings.. i really wan to do dat..

so i'll say gdbye to e me who was a coward.. gdbye to e me who was a clown.. and gdbye to e me who always remained silence.. hello to e me who wants happpiness and hello to e me who simply wan to do sth rite for once.. to everyone, stay happy always.. to sq, i may nv reduce e hurt.. but i'm waiting for ur forgiveness.. to sy, u going ns soon le.. i'll b lying if i said i wun miss u.. take care..

Sometimes i remember the darkness of my past, bringing back these memories i wish i didn't have. Sometimes i think of letting go and don't look back or move forward, so there'd never be a past.

In the fragile bubble-like dream that i am protecting, happiness is just beginning but hurt is alredy present.. Remembering. Does it mean not losing?

Not seeing. Does it mean not existing? Maybe you've been covered by the clouds.. Maybe dust has covered my eyes.. Though i can't see you but i can feel your warmth..

Thursday, June 01, 2006

hmm.. blog hopping again.. 1 wk nv update le.. well.. saw db's and sq's blog.. dey r e only ones who updated.. sq's blog, no comment.. see liao a little sian nia.. other than dat, nth.. cannot say anything wat.. he still hates me.. haiya.. dunno la.. very tired le..

db's entry is much more interesting.. hmm.. she wan to find her true self le.. dat's gd.. i guess it's abt time she does dat ba.. i really dun wanna see her drifting again.. causes her a lot of unhappiness.. juz wishing her gd luk and all e best.. dun forget to tell me once u've found urself..

speaking of true selves.. wat r our true selves? do we really show our true selves? as in who we really r and wat we think... well, speaking for myself, i'm not showing ppl my true self ba.. mayb bcos i juz dun wanna show it.. cos i find myself too boring.. haha.. i mean, wat i'm showing ppl now is dat i'm loud, crazy and straight.. who ever noe dat deep inside me, i wan quiet, keeping everything to myself and really, juz wan to rest? not dat i show it to anyone.. cos let's face e facts.. wen u go out to have fun, would u be very quiet? it would practically spoil everyone's fun ba... dat's in my opinion la.. no offenses.. sometimes i ask myself.. keeping to myself, keeping everything close to heart, wld i b spared frm hurt? apparently not.. cos i got hurt quite a lot of times.. and no, i'm not gonna relive it.. dat's y while db is finding her true self, i'm showing my true self.. not immediately la.. it'll scare everyone away.. i'm juz slowly showing bits and pieces of me.. haha.. NOW ppl will think dat i'm a boring person.. but do i really care? i guess not.. after all, e most important thing is dat i'll b happy.. and yesh, i'm slowly learning too.. learning to stand up to others le.. and not to follow e flow... dat's wat i do best in e past, following e flow.. and guess wat, it made me quite unhappy at times.. so now, i'm learning to say no.. yea.. ppl reading dis muz b going, "watever la!" den all i can say is sry!! but i think i shld blog it down..

hmm.. anyways, shld update a little ba.. hmm.. let's see.. dere's bball on tue.. friendly match!! i only got to play for a few min.. cos i kept falling down.. =( i muz b really sucky.. oh well.. i shld noe wat.. after all, i very long nv play le.. wldn't b surprised if i didn't make e team.. anyway, dis is not e time to think abt it..

ytd was rather interesting.. met up wif db, van and bc after my project meeting.. walked ard den go bc's hse.. i was practically rotting dere cos db playing game, van msging gray and bc hlping db.. haha.. den later found out dat sq coming oso.. i noe he hate me la.. so i told dem i'll go off 1st... and dey were lyk, ok.. so i went over to sy's hse.. hlp him paint his rm.. haha.. he say i yue bang yue mang.. keke.. den i was lyk i nv paint b4 lehx.. keke.. i think i nearly drove him to death.. haha.. so we were lyk talking and painting.. den he suddenly asked me to b his gf.. and i was lyk huh??!! i was simply not digesting anything.. den after a while, i was lyk orh, ok lorx.. wah liao.. seemed so dumb!!! so yea, we're together.. but so far i haven told anyone.. cos i dun think we need to announce dat.. anyways, ate dinner at his hse.. his mom very cute.. haha.. den i went to meet my parents.. haha.. accompany dem go eat le den go hm liao..

wah sian.. reach hm means PROJECT!!! kaoz.. den i went online.. ard 9plus smith and han bin den online.. by e time i got all e info, it was already 10 30.. =X and i did e ppt.. do all e way until 1am sia.. tired.. den dis morning still need to wake up early to touch up on e ppt.. reached sch at 9.. waiting for charlene dey all.. dey haven come.. i'm having a headache.. omg.. today's so not my day... tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aiya.. dun blog le.. go catch some winks b4 lesson starts.. ciao