Sunday, April 23, 2006
well, i was going thru my friendster and Hi5 testi juz now.. cos got nth to do ma.. so go read and see wat ppl think of me.. and i found out dat ppl look at me and say dat i'm actually crazy.. yup.. dat's e most common word in all or most of my testi.. dat i'm crazy.. and i'm really quite glad abt it.. cos ppl feel dat i'm fun and i feel dat it's ok to b crazy.. cos ppl lyk dat side of me.. even my family.. i might b crazy but it's crazy in a gd way.. haha.. wat e hell am i toking abt?? i dun even understand myself.. keke.. dere's a lot of happy memories.. and all of dem juz came back to me as i read e testi.. i found out dat ppl actually think dat i'm a gr8t fren, even though dey say dat i'm crazy.. and i really appreciated dat.. cos it proved dat everything dat i've done were worthwhile.. i mean, dey could actually see wat is inside of me other than e crazy girl outside.. really salute dese frenz.. haha.. and it's lyk true lorx.. i really can laugh for no reason sia.. juz feel lyk laughing den laugh lorx.. no harm done.. i have e feeling dat laughing can help lose weight.. haha.. i mean, at e rate i'm laughing, really can lose weight sia.. e way i laugh is not e giggle giggle laugh.. mine is a kind of hearty laugh dat really shakes my whole body.. and ppl say dat e way i laugh is funny.. cos i rock backwards and forwards wen i laugh.. normally i would knock my head accidently wen i laugh.. haha.. really stupid sia..sometimes, i wld really miss e gd old times.. really had a lot of fun sia.. esp wif db.. but den, everything's got to move on.. poly's started le.. need to go to sch.. db has o lvs.. need to study.. we wld b bound down by sch work le.. haha.. but i believe dat these wonderful memories wld stay wif us forever.. really have no regret le.. keke.. and den it's lyk, we wld surely meet de ma.. i'll definitely find time to find db de.. go out and have fun.. lyk wat i told ben.. e true definition of frenz is not seeing each other, it's keeping each other in ur heart.. as long as we keep each other in our hearts, our frenship wld go very far.. haha.. dat's wat i truly believe in.. anywayz.. i worte a poem.. i dunno is dedicated to who de.. cos it applies to a lot of ppl.. haha.. so here it is..
Silently
i stood behind you
silently
my hands outstretched
i did not touch you
they remained there
unmoving
always ready to catch you
when you fall
so keep moving forward without fear
i'll always be behind you
watching you silently
Friday, April 14, 2006
sadness engulfing mefrustration in my veins
i watch u slowly crumble before me
no matter how hard i try to bring u back
u always seem to find a way to leave
i tried my best to revive u
but it seemed dat it's hopeless
u're slowly dying in front of me
i could do nth but watch...
ppl might think dat i'm writing abt a fren.. but nope, i'm toking abt my com.. dat stupid thing has decided to die on me.. me and my bro tried to revive it.. yea, it survive.. only to die again 30 mins later.. dis is rather lame.. even kai came to help me.. dis stupid com behaved really well wen kai was here, and crashed wen he left.. so e nxt day, i got my cousin over to help me.. same thing happened.. behaved really well and crashed wen he left.. i'm sure dat com has sth against me or watever.. it juz kept crashing.. and as i was typing dis, i had to save draft cos i'm supposed to restart my com due to an update.. and woo hoo!! it actually restarted 4 times.. wat e hell.. i'm really ready to kill e person who sold me dis bloddy com.. but den, dat was lyk dunno how many yrs ago.. dun even noe where dat guy went.. so now i dun care.. i die die oso wan to change com.. i mean, dis old bugger is not going to hang on for another 1 mth.. it's going to die any time soon.. i dun think it will b able to hang on until may.. and now is lyk wat? mid-april.. juz 15 more days.. i dun think it can hang on for 15 more days.. nonono.. e most is lyk 10 days.. so ppl, if i dun appear online as often as b4, pls forgif me.. cos dis old bugger is dying and really cant do much other than restarting.. yea, i'm seriously frustrated.. bloody hell.. i juz found a new desktop theme and dis com had to die on me... wat is dis world coming to sia.. i dun think i can tok much now.. dis old bugger's gonna restart anytime soon.. so cya.. till i get my new com den..
has given up hope of u being e same again
juz one last msg to u old fren
R.I.P
Saturday, April 08, 2006
taday was an uneventful day.. or rather, dere was totally nth to talk abt.. seemed lyk a rather bad day.. last nite, wanted to find some1 to talk to.. thot of db, den rmbered she still outside wif e rest.. i'm e only one who needs to go hm early.. and i reprimanded myself for spoiling her fun.. end up i did not call her.. cos i dun think she checked her hp.. today, stayed at hm.. i cant go out.. everyone knew so none of dem called.. and i started reprimanding myself again.. y i keep checking my phone.. seemed so desperate.. juz kept hoping dat some1 wld gif me a call.. juz to chat.. but nope.. no one called.. except ben msg me to ask me abt maple.. other than dat, nth.. i actually wanted to call db.. den i rmbered she's outside.. haiz.. i live in a world diff frm others.. i cant go out.. even wen i go out, i muz reach hm b4 7pm.. it's almost lyk a cheap version of cinderella.. named cedarella.. haha.. dunno la.. felt so lonely.. wanted to find some1.. but e person dat i looking for always not dere.. no no no.. i dun mind de.. i'll talk to my soft toys more only.. but.. my toys cant reply.. dat makes my life look even more bleak.. den i kept looking out of e window.. juz hoping dat i had e courage to ask my parents to let me go out.. but i noe dem.. dey always hated me going out.. it seemed dat i've been trained frm young not to ask for permission to go out.. cos e ans wld always b no and it always ends up wif my mom not being happy.. haix.. i really dunno lehx.. i wanted to ask for juz one day.. one day is enuff.. for me to go out for lyk 1 whole day.. den i happy enuf le.. sch starting le.. i really hoping for dat last taste of freedom b4 sch work binds me down again.. but i still could not muster e courage to ask for dat 1 day.. really wished i could grow up faster.. so mayb i could stay out longer.. i dun ask for going out everyday.. juz occasionally let me stay out longer, i wld b happy to stay at hm le.. it seems fun to go out on wkends and have fun wif frenz.. but it has been etched deep in my mind dat wkends are for family.. even after my grandma died, i muz always rmb dat i cant go out on sat and sun.. cos it's a life-time reservation for family.. dese family values were etched deep in our heart and mind dat no matter how hard we try to get rid of dem, dey always remain dere.. unspoken but always dere.. it's almost lyk a non-washable tattoo.. hmm.. i wonder if i dare to ask for one more day so i could go out wif frenz.. i really wished e trip to east coast park didn't have to end so soon.. but.. it's all bcos of me.. sometimes really envy db and van.. ppl always have e perception dat as we grow older, we get more freedom.. for me, even if i'm one yr older than db and van, i got e least freedom ba.. but i dun blame anyone for dat.. i noe my parents wld wry for me and i think dey juz wanted to spend more time wif me ba.. cos i'm lyk growing up liao and sooner or later, i wld wan to keep going out.. i've nv asked to stay out late.. except for concerts, chalets.. other than dat, i always reached hm b4 7pm.. it was owrse in e past.. i had to reach hm b4 6pm.. but now i realized dat i'm e one who set all dis limitations.. cos if i asked my parents, i doubt dey wld wan me to go out.. even if dey said yes, dey dun say it in a nice way.. which really always spoils my mood.. so i learned nv to ask.. juz go out.. but always come hm b4 a certain time so dey wldn't find out.. i lived in a world filled wif deceptions without knowing it.. i cant wait for me to turn 18.. many doors wld open for me.. alcohol, cars.. i'll b almost an adult le.. den mayb i can go out more often le.. so for now, i'll juz wait.. but i think i'll ask for dat 1 day to lyk go hm ard 10pm.. really wanted to do dat.. juz 1 day is enuff..i sit at hm.. lonliness engulfing my being..
juz waiting for e time wen i grow up..
den i wld dare to spread my wings and fly..
to discover e beautiful world out dere..
to rediscover life, to live life to e fullest..
but for now, i'll have to wait..
as lonliness comes closer, i use slp as my shield..
i try to deceive myself dat it was sleepiness, nv lonliness..
and now i wonder, how much longer can i keep up dis deception?
Friday, April 07, 2006
today was a fun day.. dere's 8 of us.. me, db, van, bc, zh, gray, zx and sy.. we went to east coast park to have a picnic.. haha.. and we played soccer.. or rather, e guys played soccer, i stood dere and db and van were lying in e shade.. it was really funny la.. i kicked e ball once or twice.. but other than dat, e guys were doing e kicking most of e time.. den we had our picnic.. it was really funny.. haha.. e sandwiches were ok la but really looked lyk shit.. haha.. mayb cos we squashed e sandwiches ba.. end up didn't eat much.. even zx and sy oso dun dare to eat much.. den we went to e beach to have fun.. all of us got wet other than zx and zh.. cos dey wearing shoes.. e rest of us juz took off our shoes and play in e water.. sy actually wanted to swim but cos no one accompany him so he nv swim.. haha.. den we started walking ard.. we kept making fun of db and zx, van and gray.. haha.. i noe quite bad la.. but since everyone's in a gd mood, juz joke ard a bit.. hope dey dun take it to heart.. me and sy joked ard a lot.. we were making bets on whether van and gray or db and zx wld hold hands anot.. haha.. but end up only say say.. nv really take out money.. dunno la.. find sy rather cute but he hor.. very gd at suaning ppl.. haha.. not dat i care.. he funny la.. den on our way back, we took e bus.. really crowded.. so have to squeeze.. den i was holding e railing wat.. den dunno y got one guy go squeeze his entire body onto e railing.. den i juz took my hand away.. oso dunno y he keep coming closer to me.. so i keep moving back lorx.. aiya.. dunno la.. rather scary.. den zx and sy tell me dat guy keep looking at me.. i dunno la.. i hope not la.. or else it wld mean dat i met a pervert and i didn't even noe.. other than dat, it was a great day.. had a lot of fun.. nv felt sad once.. haha.. dat's a gd thing..
Thursday, April 06, 2006
hmm.. i'm continuing frm my previous blog.. cos rite now, i really wan to see who i really am.. all along, i've been having suicidal thots.. i nearly broke down last nite.. even after i've talked to db.. not bcos of wat she said.. but bcos i was once again reprimanding myself.. see.. i'm actually happy dat db told me abt her problems.. and i noe dat as compared to her, my life is better.. but dat does not mean dat my life is smooth sailing.. wat db wld nv understand is my need to apologize on a fren's behalf ba.. i noe she wldn't accept dat apology but.. i've been taking responsibility for my frens for yrs.. i cant break dat habit easily.. y do u think i went for counselling in sec 3? cos i was simply taking responsibility for everything others did.. mayb it's my way of keeping my frens.. i'm really pathetic at times.. cos i kept telling myself dat if i sacrifice myself for my frens, dey wld stick wif me.. so juz let me apologize on clarion's behalf.. cos she's my fren and i've been doing dis for yrs.. at least it makes me feel beta ba.. so pls, accept it for my sake.. i'm used to it le.. mayb i really shld go for another round of counselling.. dunno la.. ok.. back to last nite.. i nearly broke down.. and a miracle happened.. i mean, for e 1st time, someone actually listened.. dat kind of listening as i've always given to everyone.. juz listen and not comment.. den comment wen e person's done wif letting everything out.. and dat person who listened to me was sq.. i mean, e person who came to my mind 1st was db.. but sq suddenly juz came to me and offered to listen.. and i juz opened up lyk a floodgate, pouring out my innermost feelings to him.. and i found myself slowly letting go e idea of dying.. it's lyk, in my previous entries, i was practically begging everyone who wld listen to actually stop talking and for once to listen to me.. but i guess i was too subtle cos no one understood me.. i think it's only wen i said in my tag board to let me die, did it capture e attention of sq ba.. and i guess i shld thank him for at least noticing my need for someone to listen cos he didn't tell me things.. all he did was comfort me.. i supposed dat's wat i needed most.. but den, if it were bc who approached me, i think i wld run away frm him.. cos dere's too much sadness in him.. i could feel la.. and i dun think he'll sit dere quietly and listen.. last nite, i let myself take a break.. i actually forgot abt my expectations and acted lyk a mad woman.. namely saying everything dat came to my mind.. and i said all of dat to sq.. muz have been tough for him.. to listen to my ranting and raving.. if it were someone else, i wld have been labelled a lunatic.. i slept in e living rm last nite for 1-2 hrs.. cos wen i tried to stand up and walk, i juz crumbled.. i dunno wat happened.. i juz couldn't feel anything waist down.. so i crawled towards e cushions and lay dere.. wen i finally got feelings back to my legs, i got up and went to my rm..so i could say dat i was feeling rather normal today.. no suicidal thots, and i didn't even reprimand myself.. i sort of relaxed a little.. we prepared e food for tml's picnic and we played some games.. e soft toy gray gave me was so CUTE!! i loved it very much.. i named it qiu qiu(ball ball).. after a while, eveyone got tired so we started slacking.. and i suddenly felt e urge to be alone wif qiu qiu.. so i hid in van's rm.. and i hugged qiu qiu real tight as if my life depended on it.. i'm not depressed or anything.. juz felt lyk being alone.. and in my mind, i was talking to qiu qiu.. i told her to smile for me.. cos i could not conjure up e strength to smile.. but as i looked at qiu qiu's smile, i wld smile along.. while i was hiding in van's rm, sq came in to look.. i think he's concerned.. but i kept my head hidden lyk an ostrich.. den ben came.. and he and db came in to see wat's wrong wif me.. wen he and db found me, i already stuck myself in a corner.. locking myself at e corner wif a chair.. i could not explain y i did wat i did.. all i noe is, i wan to stick myself as close to e corner as possible.. and e 2 of dem juz sat wif me.. den e rest started filing in.. but i still sat in e corner.. i supposed dey were wondering wat's wrong.. i went on talking to qiu qiu in my mind.. e rest were playing game liao.. i did not join in cos i wanted to talk to qiu qiu some more.. in my mind, i kept saying "smile for me, give me strength to smile".. and it's as if qiu qiu heard my cries, cos i really found e strength to smile.. some times i found soft toys and animals more reliable than humans ba.. cos dey listened wif a smile and really makes me feel dat everything's going to b alrite.. haha.. imagine me talking to soft toys.. pathetic...
on e way hm , gray walked hm wif me.. and we talked abt some stuff.. lyk how i was bullied wen i was a kid.. and my happy days in pri sch.. and of e tough times wen i got sick.. and i told him abt me torturing myself and he told me sth which i shld have done a long time ago.. find someone and say everything out.. those words left a deep impression in my heart as i rmb how sq listened to my ramblings last nite.. and for dat, i'm grateful to him.. i'm oso grateful to gray for making me smile and laugh.. and really wld wan to thank him for qiu qiu ba.. cos i felt safer wif a soft toy close by.. haha.. but i cant bring her out.. nvm.. juz for today is enuf le.. cos nxt time if i needed comfort, i wld noe dat i have a lot of frenz waiting for me at hm to listen to me.. haha.. even as i'm feeling normal, i'm still a mad woman.. oh well..
i think i've gotten out of point.. i'm supposed to try to understand how i've become lyk dis.. i dunno.. i've got high expectations on myself.. i dun think db has higher expectations than me wen it comes to me.. cos wen i found out wat she wanted, i started crafting out e person she wanted.. however, dere's bc, sq, sk, zh, ben... so many of dem... not to mention my family and my other frens.. dere's so many of dem.. how do i craft out e perfect fren, e perfect daughter wen dere's only one me?? dat's e qns dat's been revolving in my mind.. den e ans came.. ard diff ppl, i'll show dem diff side of me.. e side whom dey think is perfect.. wldn't dat satisfy everyone? but i miscalculated one thing.. i nv expected doing dis wld cause me to lose myself.. and b4 i noe it, i started hating myself cos dere's too many of me dat i'm confused.. i dunno which side of me to show.. wat happenes wen everyone were together.. which side of me do i show? it ends up wif ppl being disappointed in me.. and i wld reprimand myself and abuse myself more.. i kept changing.. i change in e hope dat ppl wld lyk me more.. dat mayb i could finally meet e expectations of everyone.. but while i'm trying to satisfy one, another wld b dissatisfied.. it's neverending.. so i wld ask myself, are all dis worth it? my ans wld always b yes.. dese ppl, my frenz.. all of dem r important.. dere might b placings but all r important.. i try my best to satisfy all.. all i need is for dem to sometimes praise me for a job well done.. it wld really hlp me to hang on and make myself a beta person for everyone.. dun tell me now to b myself.. who e hell i really am, i dun really noe.. cos a long time ago, i've already destroyed myself..
to db, i'll b a gd listener for u.. juz gif me a hug occasionally as a reward for my hard work.. to ben, i'll continue to b ur childish mom.. haha so pls bear wif me.. to bc, i dunno who u wan me to b.. but i dun mind being a substitue to hlp u forget certain feelings.. to sq, thank u for listening.. if u need someone to talk to, i'll b dere.. to gray, zh and sk, i'm still ur mei.. really great to have u guys as gors.. one makes me laugh, one looks after me and one keeps me in line.. really thank u guys.. to van, try to establish links wif ur classmates.. u nv noe how dey'll come in handy.. trust me, i noe.. to e rest of my frenz, i'll always b dere.. i'll make sure u guys remain happy..
hmm.. dat's a rather weird way to end a blog.. mayb for once, i'm telling e truth from e bottom of my heart ba.. i feel lyk i'm talking rubbish but.. dat's how i always am and i guess dat's y u guys always laugh at wat i say.. cos i sometimes can make rubbish sound true.. tee hee.. bye and cya soon~~
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
wat is wrong wif me? dat's e qns i've been asking myself.. even now, i'm still asking.. it seemed dat i've changed a lot.. frm being e "sunshine" girl to dis.. freak now.. it's really scary.. how a person can have so much in her.. and all dis hatred.. it's not even directed at anyone.. wen is all dis hatred going to leave me alone? i supposed most of my hatred are directed at myself.. i hate myself so much dat i dun think it's possible for ppl to actually wan to noe me.. i started to push everything and everyone away.. one or two ppl might come and ask me wat is wrong wif me.. but e rest seemed to b more concerned abt my attitude.. haiz.. i dunno le la.. sometimes i wld really think dat my attitude rite now, really wld push ppl away.. all i ever wanted to say was, y keep saying i've changed? y keep forcing me to listen to ur talk? none of u noe dat e way u ppl tell me wat i shld do or shldn't do is making me hate myself more and more.. esp bc and sq.. db juz made me inferior.. but e two of dem really made me hate myself.. not dat i blame anyone of dem.. mayb it's juz me ba.. or mayb, i really m dat kind of person where i can b deeply affected by wat ppl say... wen ppl correct me, i dun hate dem.. i hate myself.. even now, i kept hating and hating.. it nv ends.. it's almost lyk a cycle.. it seemed dat i'm really being very harsh to myself.. wen i do sth rite, ppl praise me but i told myself it's only luck.. however, wen i did sth wrong, i wld reprimand myself more than others do.. and sooner or later, i wld self-destruct ba.. i cannot tolerate any mistakes on my part.. i'm a virgo.. and virgos are perfectionists.. i supposed dat's how i am.. i hated apologising.. but i wld always force myself to do e things i hated juz as a way to punish myself.. u think it's easy for me to say sry? has anyone thot of how much pain i gave myself juz by saying sry.. all my life, i've been forcing myself.. to meet e expectation of others, of my parents and even of myself.. my whole life is crafted out e way it is juz by how others wld wan me to b.. i dunno wat's rite and wat's wrong.. all i noe is i've forced myself to e point dat i could not take it any longer.. stop talking to me and for once hear me speak.. but den, who wld listen??
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
hmm.. i was surfing e net last nite and i came across a jap song which hit me real deep.. no, i dun understand japanese.. i found e eng translation.. and i really hope dat someone wld juz come along and say those words to me.. juz say i wld say them to db at some point of time.. here are e words..***************************************************************************************
Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Shoulder the burden of the past that cannot be erased; don't throw away your will to live
Your hand that I held...
Will we lose it someday?I want to protect you and that disappearing smile
The ringing voice that calls me dries out
Even if it gets erased by the wind along timeI will find you
Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Don't say words like you can't smile or you hate people
Everything that happens in the unseen future has a meaning
So stay like this, there'll come a time when you will realize
Like a rusted person
It felt so hollow to just pile atop one another
You said you could live on your own
Just with the usual kind words
You ache to a point where I cannot reach you
Your hand that I held searched for some simple kindness
Do you remember
By learning pain, you can become a person who can be kind to others
Drive your Life
Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Don't say words like you can't smile or you hate people
Everything that happens in the unseen future has a meaning
So stay like this, there'll come a time when you will realize
How can I see the meaning of life
Disappearing, you're the only. . .
So you will not break, you distance yourself from me
Don't say words like you can't smile or you hate people
Now it's by and by, even if you cannot see, there's a meaning to everything
Shoulder the burden of the past that cannot be erased; don't throw away your will to live
You'd better forget everything. Remember. . . your different Life?
You'd better forget everything. Remember. . . though, we cannot return
Like in times of warped memories, we can understand someday
*************************************************************************************
dere's a lot dat i wan to say but dere's so little time.. ytd, ben approached me for e 1st time.. u ppl might find it a surprise.. i supposed u juz assumed dat he always approaches me.. but no, he approached me for e 1st time ytd.. and wat he told me ytd already showed me dat he has completely given up.. on db.. ytd, he told me dat bc told db some stuff.. i dunno wat.. but i supposed it is enuff to make db leave out ben ba.. and i believe dat wat bc told db most probably is abt me.. and i believe dat bc thinks dat he noes me very well.. bc thinks dat he noes me more than ben does.. den i'm very sry to burst his bubble.. cos bc does not even noe wat i'm thinking now.. to bc, u keep saying dat ben is e one complicating things between me and db.. but do u noe dat rite now, u're e one complicating everything? it has already come to a point whereby i really dun trust u.. cos e simple reason is u put db top priority and everything i said abt db, u wld tell her.. and i oso believe dat u wld add in ur so called assumptions.. on fri, i said wat i said on purpose.. cos i really wanted to see how much i can trust u.. but u seriously disappoint me.. cos juz as i predicted, u went to tell db.. dun think dat ur assumptions are always rite.. cos wen it comes to me, u're always wrong.. i always do unexpected things.. so how can ur assumptions work on me? sometimes, i even find ur assumptions rubbish and i cant belive dat u can say it so matter-of-factly.. i keep telling u to stop being bias towards ben.. u nv listen.. i oso rmb telling u.. between me and db, dun be so obvious in siding db.. i'm oso ur mei.. but u nv listen.. everytime i go oout wif u, it's always db dis, db dat.. even if u're not sick of saying her name, i'm sick of listening to u.. u've ruined everything.. do u noe dat? my trust in u.. u've ruined it..
to db.. i can only ask u one thing.. do u really trust bc dat much? yes, i noe he wldn't lie to u.. but r u sure everything he says r facts? or do u thinku shld juz ask e person directly involved? u keep saying dat u're tired of asking for things.. i'm oso tired.. u can say in ur blog dat dere's a problem but u nv approach me to discuss abt it.. it's always me who approaches u.. do u noe how tired i am of doing dat? it's always e same pattern.. wen dere's a problem between us, u wld stick to van or bc dey all and pretend dat i dun exist.. u wld juz wait for me to approach u or only take actions wen i'm leaving u.. i always keep thinking.. wat happened to those happy days.. it's all gone.. do u place e guys in higher priority than me? if dat is so, do u still need me as a fren? to tell e truth, after i read ur blog, i wrote sth in reply.. i was going to gif it to u ytd.. but den ben approached me.. den i decided to put e letter on hold cos i see u running again.. to tell e truth, i'm a little angry at u for trying to run away frm e problem.. i always do things for a reason.. for everything i do, i wld predict e reactions of everyone.. sometimes i'm wrong but most of e time, i'm rite.. it's almost lyk a game to me.. everytime i tell myself if u could prove me wrong juz one more time, i wld stop playing dis game, u always prove me rite.. i'm sick of being rite liao.. i wld nv really understand y u wld rather go to bc than come to me wen u feel dat dere's a problem between us.. bc is not me.. dun forget dat i told u and ben most of my things.. i nv told bc much.. dat's y i dun understand y u wld ask for bc's opinion.. cos he wld nv lie to u? but if wat he told u r not facts, isn't it akin to lying? cos it's an untruth.. mayb not lying.. more lyk he dun understand.. i think e reason u approach bc is becos u can talk to him at nite rite.. discuss it wif him cos i'm aslp le.. i find it very unfair to me.. cos i nv get e chance to defend myself.. den u'll start shooting off lyk a machine gun abt me.. den wen i finally noe wat happened, e misunderstandings have accumulated to a humongous size..
i'm really sick of living.. seeing how things always move towards negativity.. i dunno i've stopped myself frm suicide for how many times le.. bc wld nv noe.. he assumes i'm alrite.. db trusts bc so she oso thinks i'm alrite.. so i dun think it's wrong of me to approach ben again.. at least he wld listen to my problems and not comment much.. e rest wld most probably say i think too much ba.. haiz.. i'm really very tired le.. i juz hope everything wld stop.. juz stop.. i really need a rest...