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yawns~ i wish for a lot of things.. currently, i'm wishing dat i have all the time in the world to complete watching the shows dat i'm watching..

my day started in happiness.. and ended in shame.. >.<

mel said sth abt mr leong in my tagboard.. HAHA mr leong is my accounts tutor.. and i find him cute~ =p

today is an embarrassing day.. couple of my darlings noe.. even bestie knew too~ sk oso noe now.. zzz dunno why i'm telling him.. >.<

anyways, i find myself enjoying SSM but.. but but but... it's kinda stressful.. mr goh and ms mark kept telling me to breathe.. >.< i'll try..

hmm been watching lots of dramas.. old and new alike.. =D yukan club is SUPER funny~ finished watching Tantei Gakuen Q~ NICE =D Hanazakari no Kimitachi e (nihon vers) is much MUCH beta than taiwan's version.. and now, i'm waiting for evening to come so i can chiong to lao gong's hse to get HERO~ =D *dances ard*

in a beta mood now as compared to previous days.. yup feeling a whole lot beta.. juz dat when i'm tired, i get a tad moody.. overall, i feel beta.. going back to being more cheerful.. would i say i miss the old me? actually, not so.. cos in the past, i'm always worrying abt others.. to the point whereby i forgot myself n perhaps it's oso one of the reason why i'm having some medical problems now..

well, shall not talk abt anything anymore.. off to watch my shows!

tired of writing in 3rd person's POV le.. lolx cos quite difficult to write in 3rd person.. so yup it's back to I, I and more I again.. haha

haven been blogging much.. cos wat i wanna say, i dunno how to say out.. perhaps i'll try.. let's see.. wat makes a person who he/she is? is it nature or nurture? if it's psychology, it'll be nature.. but i studied sociology.. so i'm betting more on nurture though nature does play a part in a make-up of a person..

take me for example.. i was once outgoing.. i was once cheerful and optimistic.. but now.. where am i? a bitch at most.. i kept to myself more.. i became a pessimist.. sometimes i really miss the old me.. but the me now, i dunno.. perhaps i'm used to who i am now.. constantly hiding behind a facade.. unwilling to show ppl who the real me is..

db said, "the day she tries to emerge from the shell will be the day that she really no longer knows who she is." i have to disagree wif her.. for i no longer noe who i am anymore.. i juz get on wif life blindly, not thinking of wat i wan.. she thinks it's depression.. i wish it was.. but it's not..

~Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end~

~those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible~

~those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them~

~It's easier to build a child than repair an adult (but i'm neither child nor adult..)~

she called him baby.. he called her mummy

she finds it troublesome to delete some of her posts.. but then again, she finds some entries really overly dramatic. and she's invented a new word to describe someone. over-dramatism.

past few events made her emotional. she is thanking sy for always being there. she is thanking manu for all her love and support. and she is thanking shuai ge for that great talk the previous nite.

she is extending her apologies to ben van and zh for walking out on them. she is also extending an apology to zh for wat she said the previous nite.

someone asked her if she's ok. she replied dat she's still alive. wat she didnt say was how disappointed she was dat she's alive and kicking.

she would lyk to sincerely wish her son, Benjamin, a very happy belated birthday. =)

disappointment summed up her whole day. she went out happily, filled wif hope. only to end the day wif disappointment and awkwardness. was it really her fault? how does one open up to someone whom she has stopped opening up to for months? did someone really understand? or did someone just assume? she was tired.. she kept EMPHASIZING how tired she was.. it was nv a particular situation but someone wasnt listening. dat led to disappointment.

she thot things would be resolved.. instead, they tried to sweep everything under the carpet, as if nth happened.. if dat were to be so, why meet up in the 1st place? all it led to was awkward silence. she has kept to herself for far too long. she has been let down by the same person for far too long. dere will always come to dis point whereby she is AFRAID of opening up. for she find she could no longer trust. problems were surfacing from every aspects of her life. she needed care and support. not a brush off. if she stayed out of her life for months, why suddenly come back now? why expect so much from her now? why now?

she wants to rest. she wants to concentrate on her studies. her parents scolded her stupid for believing. but still, she wanted to believe. but it has been costing her. for time and again, she was let down, brushed off..

she told a fren. if she were to be in an accident and was in a coma, there is a huge possibility she wouldnt wake up. if it were up to her will to live, she would DEFINITELY not wake up. for she no longer has dat will. all she wanted was for life to pass by quickly.

she asked for a break from the frenship. she tried to "solve" things by asking her abt her problems. she no longer trust. she couldnt trust. she didnt want to believe any longer.

let it be her fault den. for not letting her back into her life. but she doesnt lyk ppl who comes in whenever they see fit and leaves whenever she needed them most. disappointment. how much more does she have to face? how much longer does she have to endure before seeing the sunshine after the rain? for now, she juz walks away. hoping there's a better tml.

sometimes, there would be one point in life where one does not feel the strength to carry on anymore.. sometimes, there would be one point in life where one just give up and take a break, in hope that things would be ok again..

she nv thot she would ever reach that point.. she nv thot dis would all come to dis.. gone, was her determination to make everything alrite.. gone, was her anger that kept her going on.. wat's left in her was fatigue.. a deep sense of fatigue..

perhaps it was her fault.. for not speaking up.. but she knew herself too well.. should she speak up, it would only make matters worse.. haven she learnt her lesson? in a frenship or r/s, it normally takes 2 ppl's efforts to make it work.. but in dis frenship, no one was making the effort.. perhaps the foundation was dere.. but the rest of the structure wasnt.. it was an unfinished artifect.. one dat neither she nor she bothered to complete..

she asked herself, would things be different if she showed more care and concern? the ans was no.. things would nv be different.. too many problems.. too many obstacles.. mainly, both of them were too strong-headed.. arguing doesnt solve the problems.. arguing only made them tired and wounded..

she needs a break.. mayb this would be beta for the both of them.. perhaps to mend dis broken frenship, all it take is for one of them to take a step out.. she's willing to be the one to take that step out of her life.. mayb it would make both of them feel beta.. most importantly, it allows both of them to think things through..

her parents told her.. she has grown up.. it's time for her to think of herself.. and she felt dis would be the best solution for everyone.. she wouldnt ask qns.. she wouldnt even wan to bother abt the money.. all she wanted was some peace and quiet.. it was only now did she realise, perhaps it would be beta to focus on other aspects of her life..

老婆 - SHE
从昨天到今天还有明天
感谢老天让你们陪在我身边
爱的心痛的心等待的心
因为有你们的拥抱我很放心

当初见面的不安彼此探索
或许有点茫然迷惑
朝夕相处才发现这世界中
没有人比你们更懂我

朋友姐妹都已不够来形容
我们的默契骄傲扶持与包容
老婆老婆我们一起打勾勾
请记得约定的旅程到永久

彩虹 - 周杰伦
哪里有彩虹告诉我
能不能把我的愿望还给我
为什么天这么安静
所有的云都跑到我这里

有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕
没有理由我也能自己走

你要离开我知道很简单
你说依赖是我们的阻碍
就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白

有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕
没有理由我也能自己走

你要离开我知道很简单
你说依赖是我们的阻碍
就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白

看不见你的笑要我怎么睡得着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳开始环绕环绕
没有理由我也能自己走掉
是我说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

你要离开我知道很简单
你说依赖是我们的阻碍
就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白

需要你的爱 - FIR & 阿信
当你选择拉远了距离
就这么自私做的决定
穿破天际飞去

排山倒海崩塌的回忆
无时无刻侵袭我的心
痛得不能自己

或许你
以为把这一座城市抛开
就可以总结伤害
却不明白

我需要你的爱
不管多少阻碍
不求什么未来
不管命运会怎么安排
我会用眼泪洗去所有的不堪
狠狠地
把心痛了断
深深地
把一切重来

我需要你的爱
像掉进了深海
也像坠落悬崖
找不到地方可以逃开
别让那些谎言把爱给活埋
当心碎
成一块一块
当爱碎
成一段一段
我会等待

Only Love - Trademark
2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

I know if i could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our last good-bye

she decided to stop blogging for the time being.. she wants to revamp her blog.... she wants her own personalised theme.. if only her bro would start teaching her how to go about doing it..

she stared at the computer screen, speechless.. thots were running through her mind.. how have things come to this point? wat has happened? as much as she wanted to interfere, she knew it would be a wise choice to remain silence.. for if she ever did speak up, things would have been worse..

rite now, she can be assured dat things have sort of settled down.. however, deep in her heart, she knew everything has changed.. her life is different now.. wat ever that was hers in the past, is no longer so.. wat ever she has hoped for, is gone.. all she had in her hands, were memories.. perhaps one day, she would lament her loss.. but for now, all she wanted was to rest..

she met her best friend today.. they talked abt many things.. most of which, were abt the past and present.. she opened up to her best fren, telling her how she felt.. her best fren understood.. her best fren was there for her with an open mind.. her best fren told her how she felt.. she understood.. and she too, was there with an open mind..

in a r/s, regardless frenz or lovers, it always took both parties' efforts in order for things to work out.. one doesnt sit still and wait for the other party to make all the effort.. a little initiative was all it took to make a r/s work for a long long time.. however, it was only today, did she understand that logic.. and it was only today, did she realise how silly she was to hold on to the past..

she did not regret.. she did not cry.. all she did was look at her best fren and said, "i'm glad you are hot tempered. otherwise we wouldnt be sitting here now." it was rather true.. if her best fren did not confront her, she would have left things as it was and there goes their very precious frenship..

she has learnt not to give up.. she has learnt to listen.. but she knew certain things could nv be changed.. and one of them is the past.. however, she knew it was useless to hold on to the past.. better to look forward and do watever she could to make things rite again..

she wished she wasnt so conscious abt wat others thot of her.. she wish she didnt bother.. all she got was hurt and more hurt.. her parents asked her.. why was she unhappy.. she said.. sch, frenz and many other things.. she didnt tell them that the thing that was troubling her the most was herself.. she didnt tell them that she had thots of dying.. she didnt tell them that she wanted to leave.. all she did was to tolerate and hope that the end would come soon..

she's not feeling suicidal.. all she felt was that there isnt anything left hoping for anymore.. the human cycle is such that one is born, grow up, grow old and die.. she hopes to be born, grow up and die.. she would very much lyk to leave out the "grow old" phase of life.. perhaps dis way, she would feel happier.. someone told her not to die before he did.. it was more pressure on her.. having to live up to expectations of others.. it was something she vowed not to do.. and she sure as hell wouldnt do it..

she is selfish.. she is stubborn.. to some, she might even be cold-hearted.. but in this imperfect world, if she didnt protect herself, who would protect her..


Destiny is what you think...
Watch your thoughts; they become words...
Watch yours words; they become actions...
Watch your actions; they become habits...
Watch your habits; they become character...
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny...


True friends come in the good times when we tell them to, and come in the bad times without calling...

she thot she understood.. she thot she knew.. she thot she could deal wif it.. but when it came, she was lost.. she was alone.. she had one fren who was there.. and she was grateful for dat fren's presense..

as she walked off, she tried to find the person whom she trusted in the past.. alas.. things were not wat she thot would be lyk.. and so, she was still alone.. she took a train wif a fren.. they chatted but she kept her lost soul hidden.. they chatted but she nv did express her feelings..

she went to the beach, wanting to be alone, wanting to cry.. she gave it one more shot.. calling ppl whom she knew she could trust.. they came and kept her company.. but it wasnt enough for her.. for the person whom she wan by her side wasnt there..

she drifted on.. staying on the line which separated happiness and sadness.. she msged him.. and again, waited.. and waited.. for 30mins.. and she thot to herself.. at least he replied..

she slept on the cold hard floor dat nite.. hoping to be awake.. hoping the cold would wake her up.. she's living in a nitemare and she wants to wake up.. instead, she fell asleep..

you noe wat hurts the most? it's when i said i'm feeling sad, and my dad retorted, "so what" angrily.. it broke my heart.. and made me cry

--=DISCLAIMER: LONG ENTRY AHEAD=--
i wonder if ppl think i'm emo... hmmmm.. why the sudden thot? cos when i told someone dat i love her, she thot i had cancer.. =.= and when i assured her i'm not dying, she thinks i'm being emo.. LOL

i swear i haven been emo for a VERY long time.. ask bc, ask db.. when i'm emo, i'm damn scary.. LOL here's some extract from my 1st blog.. the one when i was SUPER emo.. lolx.. i think it made bc wan to cry.. =x

"sometimes i ask myself.. shld i stop daydreaming? shld i end it all? but if i end it all, i noe i will die... i admit.. i can't bring myself to face reality.. i dun wan to.. dere's too many ugly things out dere.. in fact, i'm lyk a full time actress.. e me dat i show to ppl is actually a facade.. i convinced myself dat i'm actually living in a dream and dat my fantasies are, in truth, reality.. it's lyk dere's a mirror in between me and everything else.. i'm living in e mirror cos i can't bring myself to step out of it.. i dun ask for ppl to step into my world.. not even ***.. cos it's not fair.. all i ask for *** is to stay e same as b4.. cos wen i'm ard him, i can still believe dat a part of me remains in reality..

it might seem silly but wen i'm ard my frens, i'm constantly living in a dream.. i'll keep imagining dangerous scenes and me being e genius and saving everyone.. lame but.. it makes my life beta.. dis kind of lying to myself.. at least it made me feel secure enough to wan to stay in e grp..

sometimes, i wld mock myself.. i'm so gd at weaving tales dat i've convinced myself dat everyone, namely ***, ***, ****, *** and ***, need me.. wat a huge shock i got wen i finally realised dat dey could actually forget my existance in a mere second.. dat, dey can live without me thus forcing me to see dat i'm dreaming.. many a times, i wish i could break down and cry.. but no tears wld come.. unlyk ***, i dun think death wld b my salvation.. i believe it wld entangle me wif sth worse than now.. i truly believed dat dreaming wld b my salvation.. sometimes, i wld imagine myself a popstar.. or a magical being.. or watever i can think of dat sets me apart frm others.. i keep thinking dat i'm unique but.. dat's only me rite? wat i think is unique, others may think of it as normal, isn't it? so y do i still keep lying to myself? but if i really stop believing, wld i b able to live? at least now, i can still talk and joke ard wif others.. i can laugh and pretend nth is wrong wif me.. isn't dat gd enuf? i dunno..

even as i speak now, i'm still trying to lie to myself dat everything is ok... i mean, my problems aren't dat serious.. as compared to *** who's cutting herself and having suicidal thots.. **** whom i noe is somehow hurting but i dunno his cause of hurt.. everyone ard me has problems so who am i to wallow in my own misery after i tried so hard to convince myself dat dey need me? i'm living in a dream again.. in a dream where i dun wan to wake up.. wat if i wake up and find dat *** is gone? wat if i wake up and find dat ***, ****, *** and *** dun exist at all? wat if i'm so lost in my dream dat i've completely lost myself? dere's so many qns but no ans.. i'm so pathetic.. i really wonder if i really deserve *** cos he's almost lyk someone i dreamt up of.. e perfect partner.. wat wld become of me if i lose him?

i wan to cry but y can't i seem to cry? i feel so hollow.. i dun wanna slp cos wen i close my eyes, e darkness wld consume me.. i wld den feel e cold.. e chill wld even penetrate my blanket and shoot rite into my heart.. cos wen i slp, dat's wen all of my nitemares start.. i'm afraid of closing my eyes.. afraid of not seeing, only feeling e cold.. lyk dere is abosolutely nth to save me.. only wen i wake up in e morning do i let out a sigh of relief and thank god dat i've survived my ordeal.. oh. i dun believe in god but.. a simple thanks wldn't hurt.."

super long entry rite.. and it's only half of it.. =.= dis is one of my more emo entries.. there's more.. but yea.. dis one talks abt my fears.. i've censored the names of my frens to protect their identities.. but it's more to prevent them from thinking of the past unhappiness..

muz be wondering why i'm reading my 1st blog rite.. memories are very precious.. it's impossible to forget but easy to neglect.. sometimes we think we've forgotten abt many things but as we read abt it or talk abt it, we find that we nv forget.. dat's the power of memories..

perhaps i was emo in the past.. but since i entered poly, i was nv emo alr.. all i ever was, is being depressed.. or lonely.. dat is not emo.. when i'm emo, i'm suicidal.. hmm.. wait.. i did feel suicidal once dis yr.. ok.. so mayb i was emo for a period of time.. =x but yea.. it's really far and between.. i dun lyk being emo.. it juz makes my life all bleak.. yea, i still maintain the old habit of daydreaming.. but at least i'm more aware of my surroundings.. i'm still living in a dream but at least i've stop weaving ridiculous tales.. haha dat's an improvement i suppose..

i rmb db once said she didnt lyk me being so wild.. it kind of makes me wonder.. am i a better person now or before? which is the me ppl would prefer? my poly frenz would most probably prefer me as i am now.. cos they only noe dis side of me.. i really did change.. i've changed so much.. so much so i almost couldnt recognise myself.. i mean i couldnt believe i was once that emo..

i dunno why i'm writing such a long entry abt me being emo or the lack of it.. i guess reading blog does dat to me.. makes me reflect alot.. i realise i prefer the old entries.. not dat the new ones are boring but because i recognise you in those entries.. i nv really knew when you changed.. but as i read, i realise you've changed in the course of those few months dat you were gone.. wat caused you to change? my negligence? or your choice? suddenly i find myself missing the things we once shared.. i find myself wishing things would be beta.. i find myself wishing, we dun change..

hmm.. was reading some blog entries.. whose, i wun say.. reading those entries, makes me miss a certain someone (female) ALOT.. wanna give her a big big hug and say thank you, i love you.. yup.. serious.. you'll noe who you are when i do it to you.. HAHA

treasure your frenz.. it's until now, i realised wat a lucky girl i am.. having a bunch of great frens, cool classmates and wonderful family.. i really am lucky.. quoting mr Goh, "someone up dere lyks me." LOL

i went ard telling ppl how much i love them.. and zh has the best response..

zh: wth. wat is tat?

LOL super funny can... hahahaha i'll be telling more ppl how much i appreciate them tonite.. IF i see them online.. =)

urgh.. feeling damn tired now.. trying to work out my finances for dis mth.. thks to psp slim.. lolx yup.. planning to buy.. actually, i alr ordered from linus's cousin i think.. not sure lehx.. is sl help me de.. oh well.. juz waiting for the psp to come~ cant wait to play games.. =x

ytd, i was actually confident of being abt to get a placement for OSIP but now.. haha little tingling doubts crowding my mind.. *sweeps them away* oh well.. juz gotta do my best for the interview.. yea, my GPA sux.. my experiences might be close to nil as compared to others.. but hey, at least i've got a willingness to try and learn.. (although i do take quite some time to pluck up the courage) i'm not a useless person.. it's juz dat i simply cared too much abt wat others thot of me.. to the extent i didnt wan to share my thots for fear of saying sth wrong and being laughed at.. cos everytime i plucked up the courage to say sth, ppl didnt notice? well, dat sort of made me even more determined to NOT speak up..

but dat's all gotta change, doesnt it? i mean, i really wan dis OSIP and i bet there's alot of ppl vying for these dozen placements.. so i have to learn to speak up.. not in class, i mean in the interview.. to make the lecturer take notice and mayb consider me.. hmm.. i'm preparing myself for the interview.. can say i gan jiong but it's more lyk, i really do need a lot of time to overcome my fear of speaking up.. so yea.. *prepares some more*

i dunno if it's me thinking too much or wat.. but i somehow feel dat some ppl dislike me.. ALOT.. lolx sort of made me kinda miserable in sch.. couple of times really feel lyk breaking down and cry.. but thank god i didnt cos i noe those ppl sure as hell dun care.. i'm overly concerned on how ppl think of me.. so it sort of affected me alot when i think some of them dislike me.. trust me, i've nv felt DAT lonely for a long time..

lucky i have you by my side (literally) and supporting me.. yea i noe you find it hard to believe dat ppl dislike me and would even go to the extent of ignoring me.. but hey, there is.. in fact i think ALOT of ppl dun lyk me.. hahaha cos i dun speak up in front of ppl whom i juz noe.. so they think i'm "dao".. bad first impression = dun talk to u.. LOL i'm juz happy dat you understood how i felt.. sometimes i really wished i didnt care so much abt how others think.. but if i didnt, i wouldnt be me now, would i..

in fact, i still didnt noe who i am or rather, who i wan to be.. i'm hoping going for OSIP will help me to find my goals.. cos i'll be in a diff country, away from everything familiar.. yup.. mayb i'll find the independent me again.. where has the QR in sec 1 gone to? the QR who doesnt need anyone, who always depend on herself.. mayb during OSIP, i might find her again? who knows...

zzzz my topics are jumping all over the place.. think i beta stop blogging le.. otherwise will confuse ppl... ciao~

hmm.. doing some research for my TCS (Tourism Culture & Society) assignment.. on child sex tourism.. it juz doesnt seem rite.. and reading all those info and watching all those videos, i cant help thinking how lucky i am to be where i am now.. as i look at the articles before me.. the videos on youtube.. i feel a deep sense of sadness engulfing my heart.. looking at these children suffering, it makes me wonder wat did these children do to deserve dis cruel treatment? and wat sick minds/thoughts drive those who seek children for sexual pleasure?

imagine how you would feel if the child was your sibling or worse, your own flesh and blood.. they should be in sch, worrying abt studies and friendships.. not out dere "service-ing" sick bastards.. sorry abt my language but i'm really upset.. take a look at these videos..