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ytd, talked to e guys regarding our problems and i found out one thing.. as much as db and i find it hard to stay wif e crowd, it's oso hard for dem to include us into e crowd.. mayb it is lyk as dey said, we purposely left a gap.. a gap which dey dunno how to fill.. but dey were not e only ones.. db and i oso dunno how to fill dat gap.. it juz happened.. cos e 2 of us were more of an introvet.. we keep everything to ourselves.. even i oso dun understand db very much.. db oso does not noe everything abt me.. mayb it's juz us ba.. i really cant bring myself to open up everything abt me.. cos i dun think anyone will ever understand ba.. not even db.. it's lyk.. a whole shroud of mistrust is surrounding me.. i cant see any light... everywhere i looked, i see darkness.. mayb i dun ask for u guys to understand me.. all i ask for u guys is to juz gif me a hand wen i need it most.. dere's a lot of times when i need a hand to pull me up.. no one's dere.. not even db.. i've learnt how to depend on myself since dunno how long ago.. and all i can say is dat i'm really very tired of depending on myself.. but den.. i cant expect too much.. dere's still db.. and van.. dey oso need e guys.. nvm.. i think i'll go talk to my toys..

sometimes i really envy guys.. i mean, everything is so simple to dem.. i dun understand y girls cant think lyk guys... i wan to think lyk dem too.. but i'm a girl.. so i tend to look into things a little too deep.. ahhh!!!!!!!!! frustrated.. wish i dun feel how i feel, i dun think how i think.. pui.. wat e hell am i talking abt? it's simple la.. juz lyk gray said.. girls and guys will forever b diff.. e way we do things, say things and think will b diff.. haix.. so guys will nv understand how girls feel and girls will nv understand how guys feel.. so simple.. took me so long to understand.. anywayz.. we can always come to an agreement.. here's how i think it shld b.. everyone will remain as frenz.. u call, we might or might not go out.. we call, u oso might or might not go out.. so it's settled.. i guess dat's all for today.. bye


but no one ever calls me out.. cos i'm forgettable..

hmm.. ytd we talked to van for quite a long time.. and i came to e conclusion dat all of us played a part in dis whole mess.. u see, watever happened to van, i've tasted it b4.. it's juz e way we handled things dat is diff.. we all need care and concern and sometimes, attention.. in a grp, we have all dis but we have to share or dat these care and concern were not divided equally thus resulting in some unhappiness.. and at times, ppl were simply forgotten.. it happened to everyone at some point of time but i guess db and i were e only ones who dared to voice it out.. cos we simply didn't understand.. we have given our all.. we gave everything we could in dis grp so wat went wrong? i guess we will nv noe.. for me and db.. wen we went out as a grp, we always come to an unspoken agreement.. db walk in front and i walk behind.. so dat everyone wld b in e middle.. i supposed it's our way of keeping e grp together.. mayb no one will ever understand e way we think but we're trying very hard le.. all we ask is dat wen u guys r having fun in e middle, always rmb dat at e front, dere's db and at e back, dere's me.. sometimes we get lonely and wen we need someone, u guys r having too much fun while me and db r too far apart.. at one point of time, i try to convince myself dat all these were worthwhile.. but after some time, i started asking myself.. y am i so naive? cos no matter how hard we try, it will nv b enuff.. 2 ppl cant make a grp work.. it needs everyone's efforts.. it was almost lyk db said.. we r watching a movie of u guys.. all we need to do is to watch.. and dat feeling is not gd.. cos we really yearn to be part of dat movie.. we dun wan to b e audience..

anywayz.. everyone is at fault, including me and db.. perhaps we make e worse mistakes ba.. van said dat she tried very hard to catch up wif us.. but i asked her, " have u ever tried asking us to slow down?" mayb db and i were really going too fast.. but no one ever thot of asking us to slow down.. so we were not aware of anyone trying to catch up and we simply juz kept going on.. i guess dat's our mistake.. we juz kept going on.. rite now, i still dunno wat i'm going to do.. db said she's going to leave e decision up to me.. haiz.. headache.. i dunno le.. i've already gave my everything le.. i dunno wat more i can gif le.. i'll most probably take things one step at a time but i noe.. i wouldn't b going back to e grp cos i think it's beta not to label ourselves.. at least everyone would b more relaxed ba..

well, juz went take a tickle test which my cousin sent me.. and i found e results rather true.. let me share it with u..

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Bernese Mountain Dog

No bones about it, you're a good-hearted, people-loving Bernese Mountain Dog. Down-to-earth and loyal, no one works or plays harder than you do. You put your nose to the grindstone when it really counts, but you never neglect your social calendar. Simultaneously strong and sweet, you're very tuned-in to the feelings and needs of the other dogs you run with. Without having to be asked, you always have a helping paw to lend and a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. "Communication" is your middle name, and when that's paired with your unswerving devotion, you get a breed that everyone respects and trusts. Woof!


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well, dat's all for today.. by the way, chapter 4's up..

okie.. juz went to read db's blog.. another 'hidden' post.. muz highlight again.. haha.. well, mei, dun feel sad le kz? mayb he didn't mean to push u away.. juz take things nice and slow and it will work out one way or another..

regarding your other post.. go ahead and follow me lorx.. i'll b dere for u de.. i'm feeling very strong rite now.. haha.. wun collapse for e time being.. so go ahead and lean on me.. i'll always b dere de.. as for ur gor gor rite, dun wry la.. i think he didn't mean to ignore u.. how come i everything oso say didn't mean.. aiya.. i dunno la.. juz rmb dat no one will harm u on purpose.. cos u're strong.. ok? muz rmb dat.. dun think dat u're weak.. juz think dat for now, u confused.. juz leave everything to me.. i'll handle.. as much as i dun lyk meeting up, i will still go.. mayb b4 dat i'll go have fun 1st.. so dat i'll b relaxed.. u dun wan me to b tense..

rite now, i'm rojak.. i mean, i'm feeling a lot of stuff rite now.. see, i'm sad for db, and i'm proud of myself.. y am i proud of myself? cos i've thot of sth again.. see, in dis grp, me and db r not e main.. lyk a plant.. e main of the plant wld be its flower.. juz lyk dis grp.. db and i were not e flower.. e rest of u r.. mayb its van ba.. and e leaves wld b e guys.. now, where does dat place me and db? we're juz e life giving roots.. i mean, we might not b e main of dis grp, but without us, dis grp cannot survive.. which is rather true in dis case.. roots needs water.. all dey have to do was to give us a little water to make stay.. water, in dis case, is attention.. db and i stayed in dis grp for so long.. cos u guys have been giving us enuff attention.. but being girls, we wld tend to wan more ba.. so wen we couldn't take it anymore, we simply juz left.. juz lyk a plant cannot survive without its roots, dis grp cant survive without us.. mayb some wld disagree.. mayb some wld say dat dis grp wld b beta off without us.. who knows for sure? to each of his own..

see.. db and i wld wan to settle things now.. for db, cos it's her o lvls dis yr.. for me, sch's starting.. but most important of all, it's useless continuing dis.. it's lame la.. db will most certainly see van in sch.. i dun wan to make things difficult for dem.. let's juz say i'm being kind.. haha.. yikes.. dat's weird.. i dunno wat i'm talking abt now.. anywayz.. i seriously forgot wat i was going to type thus explaining all dis rubbish here.. suppose i've got to stop now.. i'll go start thinking of my story le.. db's got to chapter 5 le!! i haven even started writing 4!!! kz.. no more rubbish.. bye!!

haiz.. rite now, it's quite late le.. db juz msg me say we shld get everyone together to talk.. i agreed.. dese past few days, i've been thinking a lot.. i've done so much thinking dat my mind is on overload.. i keep rmbering a lot of things.. some happy, some sad.. everything.. sweet, sour, bitter.. i've tasted it all within a span of a few months.. i dunno.. i've loved, been loved.. i'm not sure if i've hated.. but i noe some ppl hated me at some point of time.. i'm aware but i choose to turn a blind eye.. cos i'm such a chicken.. i dunno le.. all dis nonsense wif van.. i'm really very tired liao.. i noe frm e bottom of my heart dat i dun lyk her but i oso noe i dun hate her.. cos after all, i still will care for her.. but i dun think she will ever understand ba.. cos e way she's treating me, it's lyk she views me as an enemy.. i noe i've said a lot of harsh things in my blog entries.. i nv regretted saying dem.. i only regretted hurting ppl.. even van.. cos no matter how much i try to convince others, i cant bring myself to hurt ppl even though i'm capable of it.. if i've ever hurt anyone, all i can say is i'm sry...

after thinking things thru, i'm in a clearer state of mind.. i realized dat wat's happening now, is not solely van's fault.. everyone's at fault ba.. i mean, van was wrong to gif us attitude, e guys were wrong to neglect us but db and i made e worse mistakes ba.. i guess we simply juz took things for granted and wen we've lost dem, we felt e hurt so much dat we were not aware of letting go.. i'm not sure abt db but dis is how i feel liao.. we shld all b held responsible for wat's happening now ba.. cos we r all in this together.. i can finally see now dat mayb, juz mayb, van did not expect things to turn out dis way.. i'm not sure but dis is how i hope it is.. cos at least we can settle e diff.. no, i'm not hoping for e grp to go back to as b4.. it's damn obvious dat sq already left le.. it's oso obvious dat i wld not go back le.. i not sure abt db la.. but at least, let us all not stay in dis shroud of misunderstanding forever ba.. db and i r taking dis one huge step backwards and all we're hoping is dat ppl will understand dat we do not wan to carry on lyk dis anymore.. it's time to really show how we feel, how much we care for one another..

i'm not entirely sure wat is happening now.. van's mom called db.. in my opinion, wen moms start calling in, everyone's got to stick together to ensure minimal 'damage'.. i noe it's rather drama but hey, i've done dis b4.. i really dun wan anything to happen to van or anybody.. i mean, i night not lyk her a lot but dat does not mean i'm going to leave her to die.. i'm still human la.. i wry for gray.. after all i still regard him as my gor... he's been going out wif van.. shld van's mom start holding ppl responsible, gray's gonna get it 1st.. and dat's wat i'm trying to prevent.. but i'm not sure if dey understand my gd intention or do dey think dat i'm spoiling their fun? if dey wan to think dat i'm spoiling their fun, i really got nth to say in my defense.. cos i'm really spoiling their fun.. i rather I spoil their funthan VAN'S MOM spoiling their fun.. hmm.. but i hope i'm juz being paranoid.. really dun wan to face another angry mom.. i mean, pls la.. e woman is threathening to call in a PI.. how do u expect me to react sia.. juz lie low and wait for all dis to blow over la.. dunno la.. see at van do abt it liao..

speaking of gor, i really miss my gor, bc.. i noe la.. u let me down but does dat mean i will forget abt u? once again, i'm taking a big step backwards.. i really missed u.. but i noe u wldn't contact me.. cos every nite i wait.. i keep waiting for ur call.. but dat call nv came.. db said u dunno how to face me.. ok.. i'll wait.. i'll juz keep waiting.. every nite.. i didn't dare to slp.. cos i'm afraid u wld call.. but u nv did.. i'm still waiting now.. i dun expect any apologies.. all i need is juz a hug frm u to tell me dat everything will b ok.. dat i dun have to cry at nite anymore.. i feel very lonely at nite cos i noe u have not forgiven me.. i'm still waiting.. but how much longer do i have to wait? i dunno how much longer i can hold on..

so rite now, i'm waiting to put everything to rite again and i'm waiting for my gor to call.. juz a simple msg will do.. dun shut me out le.. for heaven's sake.. we juz live a block away...

hmm... well, now dat i've left e grp, i've got to contend myself wif less outings.. not dat i mind.. juz need a little getting used to.. last nite, ben msg me.. i told him i left e grp le.. and he was lyk, "so fast" actually to me, it's not fast at all.. me leaving e grp has been long overdue.. i shld have left lyk dunno how long ago... e min van came back to dis grp, i shld have left le.. but i didn't.. cos i still harbor dat little hope dat mayb she wld change for e beta.. but nope.. not gonna happen... so now, i wld rather leave than to stay in e grp and gif her e opportunity to kick me out of the grp.. i still wan my dignity man... anywayz, dun wry so much, ben.. things will work out somehow..

mayb ppl might have noticed dat my words r rather harsh in my previous entries and dat dey almost sound e same.. guess dat's how it is wen a person's hurt.. thots jumbled up and u dun even noe wat u're typing.. i didn't even noe i had so much hurt in me until i read wat i've typed.. but than, u cant blame me for being harsh ba.. it's lyk.. even a wounded animal wld lash out at its saviour.. cos it's been so blinded by hurt dat it simply lashed out at anything dat got near it.. e same goes to humans.. wen a person is so blinded by hurt, he/she wld wan to juz lash out at anyone or anything juz to stop hurting.. i'm no exception.. but i've been fair already.. i only lashed out at those who have hurt me.. i nv do anything to those who nv did me harm.. at least i noe who my 'enemies' r.. dat's a rather harsh term but dun expect me to soften it.. i mean, rite now, i'm still hurting.. as much as i try to forget e pain, it juz comes back to torment me, reminding me how stupid i once were.. but then, enuff of dis le.. i'm sure everyone's sick of reading how dis grp had hurt me.. i'm even sick of it myself..

sch's gonna start in approximately 1mth frm now.. yea, i counted.. 24 April.. my 1st day in poly.. quite excited abt it.. i'm alone sia.. no one i noe in e same course as me.. mel, mindy and xiao qun all oso at tp but we all in diff sch.. hj and xw oso in tp but oso diff sch.. looks lyk i'm all alone again.. i dunno abt zh and bc la but it doesn't matter.. dey wldn't come find me de.. go find van lorx.. not my prob.. hmm.. still thinking wan to go mel's hse tml anot.. go dere oso dunno do wat.. which is rather lame la.. ask me go his hse but dunno wan to do wat dere.. well, i dun think dere's anything else le.. gotta go continue my story liao.. ciao..

juz now, went to read sq's blog.. or rather, his 'hidden' blog.. and wat i found in dere, really changed my opinion on him.. i mean, i regard him as an ok kind of guy.. minus away e fact dat he broke db's heart, he's ok.. but den.. wen i read his blog, it all changed.. i mean, db and i practically expressed our hurt to dem le.. but to sq, i guess it doesn't matter rite? all he did was to try to shift e blame.. pls la.. of all ppl u wan to shift e blame to, u blame ben.. stop trying to point e finger at ben wen it is obviously ur fault.. i noe, i'm not db so i dun have e rite to say dis.. but ben is still my son kz.. i was e one who told ben to stick wif db.. and he did wat i said lyk a true fren who really cared wld.. stop shrinking away frm responsibility.. or shld i say dat u simply dun wan to b held responsible? is db asking too much? all she wanted was for u to b dere for her.. not to flirt wif van.. wat abt me? yes, we might not b stead liao but i ask u to pls respect me.. wat's all e crap abt being disappointed in me cos i nv mention u wen i leave? u wan me to thank u? i keep hearing frm others how close u r wif van.. keep seeing how u shower attention at van.. how do u wan me to react? it only showed me dat u juz dun love me as much as u claim to b.. and who r u to talk abt promises wen u oso cant keep urs? u r e one who said dat u wld b dere.. and dat i'm not defenseless.. but wen i'm at my weakest, i find myself crying alone while u're having fun outside.. so dun talk to me abt keeping promises..

up till now, i still dun regret leaving.. it's lyk, i finally have no obligation.. dat i dun have to keep thinking of others.. sq, dun say dat we shut u back to a cold place.. u will nv understand how cold me and db felt while we're in e grp.. u guys can have all e fun, all u need is juz us to b dere.. dun keep claiming dat once db and i r gone, everyone will b sian.. i dun believe dat.. on e day of e concert, wen db left, none of u bothered to call her back.. if u really cared, u wld have chased after her.. sq said he called dem.. one phone call.. dey nv pick up and he gave up.. nice to noe dat dis is how much u care for ur mei.. as much as i wan to tell myself everything is ok, i noe it's not.. i mean, i was even told dat after dat incident, van can still fly and jump.. and dat u guys r flirting wif each other.. i dun understand lehx.. did u guys already noe dat bc found db or do u simply heck care? van more important, i noe.. cos she cried ma.. but db? she cried during e concert.. me? i cried after i left u guys.. but did anyone of u find out? nope.. cos for e simple reason dat we choose not to cry in front of u guys.. wan to noe y i cried? cos i finally realised how hopeless all dis are.. i dunno y i try so hard to stay in dis grp wen it's obviously over.. mayb it's cos i've been in dis grp since sec 2.. have feeling.. i was hoping dat mayb u guys really do care.. dat u ppl wldn't choose van over me and db.. but ur actions showed me otherwise.. i cried for all those past hurts.. i cried for all e hopelessness.. and i even cried for e demise of dis grp.. i dunno e reason for db crying but i'm sure she felt e same hopelessness as i did.. cos u guys actually chose to forgo a 3 yrs frenship juz to b wif van.. it's over.. i'm nv going back to dis grp.. not even wen van goes.. cos e memories will b dere.. dere's no such thing as forgive and forget.. i cant forgive myself for crying over dis.. and i cant forget e disappointment i felt.. u guys have taught me so much..

so fragile is dis thing called frenship dat it requires everyone's efforts to keep it strong.. i guess u guys will nv understand wat i mean.. db and i r able to keep our frenship strong.. yes, along e way, we had our arguements and all but in e end, we're still together.. cos we truly cared for each other.. but dis grp.. none of us have really care.. even i oso nv cared enuff.. but at least, i nv lied.. i nv say i care wen i actually dun.. dere's too much false feelings in dis grp.. so many fake stuff.. van, tough at times, weak at times.. i can conclude dat she's weak.. stop e act of being tough.. dat's wat me and db do best.. forget it.. i guess she's too dense to understand dis..

as i've said in my previous entry.. dis is e end le.. to me, dis grp is no more.. i wld nv turn back.. even if now u guys truly cared, which i dun think u will, i oso wun go back le.. i guess dis is gdbye to e grp le..

alrite.. dis is going to b a long entry... 1st off, i'm going to explain wat happened to my blog.. as some of u noe, my previous blog suddenly become 'forbidden', god noes for wat reason.. as i tried to save it, i discovered dat it's hopeless.. e only thing to do was to restart.. so i deleted e old one and tried to create a new one.. yea, e key word is tried.. still forbidden.. so, seeing dat so many things have happened, i decided dat it's no use hiding.. thus e decision to unveil my hidden blog and to use it as my main blog.. e earliest 3 entries are frm my hidden blog.. e 4th is e latest entry of my main blog.. and now, is my 5th entry.. i've oso changed e url to darkness-reb0rn due to a very simple reason.. a lot of things have changed.. dis is e start of a new chapter in my life.. now, is e beginning of a new life, new thots.. gone is e need to care abt other's feeling.. gone is e need to vie for attention.. well, let's start den...

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it's finally all over.. in e end, db and i left dis grp.. a little reluctant, after all, we started dis grp.. but it was neccessary for us to leave.. i mean, i cant feel any warmth frm dis grp.. it's lyk, everyone has stopped caring.. lyk db said, actions speaks louder than words.. stop saying u care wen u dun.. sometimes, untruth hurts more than e truth... i supposed frm my previous entry, it's obvious dat i cried a lot on dat day.. it was oso on dat day did i make e decision to leave.. all e tears i've shed, carrying all of my hurt, showed me dat if i continue to stay in dis grp, i'll b hurt more... all e past hurts flowed out with e tears, leaving me bare... i dun feel anything for dis grp le.. except for one or two ppl.. to ben, i'm sry dat u're neglected in dis grp.. i'm such a lousy mom.. to kai, sry dat things turn out dis way.. but i noe u understand.. to zx, i dunno if u're considered in dis grp anot.. but thank u for comforting me sometimes.. haha.. i dunno if u noe wat i'm toking abt anot.. but thks anyway.. it's really nice to have someone who really cares.. to db, it's back to u and i, sister.. e gd old days..

to e rest, sry.. i dun think i can bring myself to thank u.. cos dere's absolutely nth to thank.. or mayb, dere is sth.. thank u all for teaching me dat van's tears work well on u guys.. and thank u for teaching me wat disappointment means.. to bc, my dearest gor, it's only now did i find out dat actually, u nv really understood me.. mayb we think alike wen we have fun but it stops dere.. cos we nv did feel e same.. to zh, my cai gor gor, up till now, i dunno who u actually care for.. sometimes u care a lot for me.. but i can see dat van is important to u.. so i wun expect much frm u.. dun wry, i dun blame u.. to sq, db's gor, db told me abt how close u r wif van.. and i laughed at myself.. cos u seemed to b able to b close to any girl.. and to think i was worried for u.. i dunno if i'll forgif u for breaking db's heart.. mayb ppl will think dat wen i requested for break, u were hurt most.. but let me tell u dis now.. if i ever continued into e relationship, i think i wld b dead by now.. in e past, u said u love me.. but now, i can say dat no, u dun love me.. u juz wan me as ur property ba.. i dunno le.. u've hurt me a lot.. but it doesn't matter now.. dere's no turning back.. to gray, my xiao xiao gor gor, i'm really glad dat i didn't let myself get too close to u.. it's a pity dat we only get to hang out for such a short period of time.. but it's juz too bad cos i noe u will nv really care ba..

to van, dere's absolutely nth gd dat i can say to u.. mayb cos i've nv really lyk u ba.. mayb to e guys, u're their precious princess.. but to me, u're nth.. yes, we hang out, we have fun.. but i'm sry to say dat i've nv regarded u as part of e grp.. i supposed u'll b very happy now.. after all, me and db left.. u can have all e guys to urself.. we're not taking any wif us.. at least we still have our dignity.. but i really pity u.. i guess u're going to find out dat dese guys will nv really care de ba.. so i wld suggest u to cry as much as u can so dat dey will rmb to care for u.. u dun wan to b lyk me or db.. i refer it as e price of not crying in front of dem.. mayb zh will care la.. but i really worry for my gor.. i'm leaving him in e hands of evil forces.. i'm sure db wld noe wat i mean.. mayb ben too.. hmm.. but i'm quite surprised.. i supposed guys lyk spoilt brats who cry a lot ba.. wow, ouch.. i'm even surprised at myself.. i'm harsh now.. not dat i care.. i dun wan to act all soft and all, wen rite now, i'm all hard hearted..

i supposed everyone changes ba.. nth will remain e same forever.. and to think me and db r trying so hard to lie to ourselves dat everything is ok.. wat a joke man.. within a span of 1 day, u guys showed us e truth.. dis is wat i think.. van nv really treated db and i as frenz ba.. sh'e almost lyk a leech, sucking db and i dry.. den wen e guys come along, she went over to dem.. wootx!! finally free frm e leech.. gd luk guys.. juz an advice to u guys, van needs a lot of TLC.. gd luk man.. i'm washing my hands off dis matter.. past experiences taught me dat none of u will ask me to go back to e grp.. sq will NV ask me back.. bc wld rather keep quiet cos he tend to hurt me more by getting me to think in van's shoes.. e rest? no hope le la.. zh has practically no say sia.. van come ask me, i'll slap her.. cos to me, van does not deserve my attention.. but lyk i said.. dere's no turning back now.. dis is e end.. all i ask is, stop using darkwingz as ur nick in future.. it MY copyrite.. guess dat's all.. have fun wif e guys, van.. one last word, u're pathetic if u really cry bcos of wat i said.. and try not to act lian cos i feel lyk vomitting wen u act lian.. my words r getting harsher and harsher by e min.. but seriously la.. i wonder how long u guys will stay together??

e true darkwings signing off and finally flying towards freedom...

note to all: dis entry was dated 16 march 2006. dere's some problem in my previous blog thus e change.. by the way, dis used to b my hidden blog.. now, it is open for all as i m finally free...

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juz now.. saw van.. she gave me e 'sian' face.. i dunno la.. say i think too much lorx.. but i was very angry at dat time so i didn't care.. i mean, ben is part of dis grp.. u guys r supposed to go out today.. how come u guys forgot to contact him? i'm not blaming van alone.. db oso kanna frm me.. e 2 of dem organised dis outing.. so dey forget, i scold.. db accept.. but van.. e min bc come, she scold bc.. say y he nv call ben.. but bc say van nv ask him to call ben... dat's wen i saw red, and nth else.. i juz said loudly to van," stop shrinking frm responsibility" den i went over to play game.. den later, at e foodcourt, van was crying.. i dun feel anything.. mayb in e past i wld but not now.. cos i dun feel anything anymore.. bc say is my fault.. for being too blunt abt her shrinking frm responsibility.. sq oso say db.. fine.. i accept.. it's my fault.. r u happy? do i need to publically apologise? i'm sry for making van cry.. i'm sry for shouting at van.. i'm sry for being harsh.. i'm sry for spoiling ur fun.. i'm sry for reminding u guys dat ben is still in e grp.. i'm sry for beiong honest.. i'm sry for even being who i m.. happy now gor? i bet u wldn't even believe me if i tell u i'm crying.. cos to u, it doesn't matter.. van cry, u blame me.. ok i accept.. but if i'm crying now, i'm sure u'll still blame me.. u'll say dat i think too much.. i dun understand.. i noe i'm tough.. but even a tough person has his/her vulnerable times.. but y isit dat no one is ever dere wen i need someone to lean on?
db said dat if van wan ppl to notice her, she'll ask for it.. but i'm not van.. it's not lyk me to ask for ppl to care.. all i ask for is for ppl to notice.. to notice dat somehow, i'm hurting one way or another.. it's funny u noe.. wen van cry or wat, u ppl will b concerned and ask her wat's wrong.. but if it's me or db, u ppl nv notice at all.. i mean, wen db cry or hurt herself, who asked her wat's wrong? or do u juz assumed dat it's one of her mood swings? or me.. wen i get all aggressive or quiet, who bother to find out e reason? or do u juz stay as far away as possible? dere's always a reason y ppl will b upset.. i dunno.. isit becos me and db r so 'important' to u dat none of u juz assumed dat nth is wrong? do u regard me as a clown only dere to entertain u? has anyone thot dat i might have feelings.. i've always hated crying but now i welcome e tears.. cos dere's so much hurt in me dat i dun even noe how to vent it out.. mayb e tears wld help me lessen e pain.. rite now, i'm not asking for anyone to pay me more attention.. it's useless la.. all i need is one ans frm van.. which is e real u? i'm confused.. one moment, u're all tough but a single comment, u r crying ur eyes out.. have u ever shown me who u really r? do u really want me as a fren? i noticed dat all ur ans r lyk db's.. for once, think abt urself.. cos u gif us e feeling dat u only wan those guys as ur frenz.. and i find myself asking dis qns.. will u b happier if db and i juz leave?
dis blog entry has so many "u" in it dat i dun even noe who dis is meant for.. i supposed it's for everyone ba... now i'm thinking.. y do i cry now, wen none of u is ard.. y do i not cry juz now? den i get e ans.. cos in front of u guys, i have to act happy.. even as i think, i find it funny.. a lot of ppl wil surely think dat i'm crazy.. walking ard as tears stream down my cheeks.. even now, i'm still crying.. my aunt ask me wat happen, i have to lie dat sand got into my eye.. how can i bring myself to say how hopeless and helpless i feel??