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have u ever started a day anticipating fun and laughter but in e end, it ended in death and sadness? i've experienced dat today.. i guess my entry wld b in 2 parts.. e happy and e sad.. here goes..

HAPPY:)
today, went out wif hui xin.. she's my senoir in tp whom i met in dunman.. lolx.. it's ok if u dun understand wat i'm toking abt.. only i noe.. =p anyways.. we met up at 4pm.. and we watched a movie titled DOA.. (i noe manu, u wanna watch dis together as a class.. i wanna watch again.. haha) it's a damn gd movie.. i wanna watch again cos of e action.. haha.. after e movie, me and hui xin discussed and decided to watch a 2nd movie.. haha.. yea, we're mad.. so we bought the sinking of japan.. it's a super realistic and touching movie kz.. i nearly cried.. lolx.. dat means a lot cos i DUN EVER NEVER cry wen watching a movie no matter how touching.. so u get e drift.. it's SUPER SUPER SUPER touching.. haha.. anyways, we went for dinner b4 watching e movie.. so we went to KFC cos van was working dere.. haha.. e look on van's face was priceless man!! i started grinning lyk an idiot la.. ok.. so i went dere to disturb her.. so? not happy sue me la!! haha.. but pls take into consideration dat i did buy a meal and ate dere.. lolx!! so i dun think u can sue me for being a diner.. haha.. okie.. so me and hui xin ate and talked.. den we went for e movie.. dat hui xin ar.. very blur!! she left her hp on e tray!!! so we rushed back to KFC and luckily, e cleaner kept her hp for her.. phew.. lucky nobody steal.. haha.. den we went to watch movie la.. EVERYONE!!! THE SINKING OF JAPAN IS A VERY CLASSIC MOVIE!!! GO CATCH IT!! IT'S WORTH E $10!! cos e theme song very nice, me and hui xin sat inside to read e credits, hoping to catch a glimpse of e song title.. haha.. we're lyk 2 idiots sitting dere and e cleaners were giving us weird looks.. lolx.. even e usher came to see wat we're doing cos dere's only e 2 of us in dere!!! haha.. in case you're curious, e song title's keep holding u.. touching and lovely song... haha.. i'll try to dl it.. back to wat we did.. we went to sembawang(sp?) to look at CDs.. den we found 5 disney soundtracks packed into 1 and guess wat? it's being sold at $19.90!!! dat's damn cheap la!!! of course we bought it!! =) and i bought hard candy too.. hard candy's a movie.. not dat kind of can-eat candy.. haha.. den after dat, we went hm.. and dat's e end of e happy part...

SAD:(
on my way hm, i noticed dat my family car's not parked at e usual spot.. so i got curious and called my bro.. turned out dey were not hm yet.. so, i asked him where dey were.. and my bro said, "somewhere over e rainbow" =.= so of course i got pissed off and he passed e phone over to my mom.. dat's wen i was told dat my god grandpa died dis morning.. fuck.. it's too late for me to go over now.. damn.. i knew him since i was a little girl.. i went to his hse every yr without fail during chinese new yr.. his bbq pork is e best in e world(to me la).. and he had cancer.. dat's e part i only knew dis yr.. and now, he's gone.. he's not close enough to me for me to feel devastated.. but.. i still consider him my grandpa.. i can still feel e loss.. deep inside me, i can feel e pain.. and no, i'm not crying.. lyk i said, he's not very close.. yea, i guess i'll go over for e service.. my mom told me e cremation date is nxt tue.. guess wat.. i told her i had sch.. wen i knew i could jolly well not go cos it's lectures.. but no.. i decided a no-go for e cremation.. not dat i'm unfilial or anything.. it's juz dat i've lost 2 of my grandparents already.. i've already been through cremation twice.. not once but TWICE.. i dun wan to go through it again.. cos it tears into my heart.. e 1st time, was my maternal grandma.. i was spared dat time cos my family was too big.. too many aunts and uncles.. so i didn't have to watch.. e kids were juz told to wait outside.. but it did nth to lessen our pain.. e wails of our own parents.. it tore our heart.. and even without witnessing it, we cried.. well, i wasn't spared e 2nd time.. it was my paternal grandpa.. god, i loved him.. i truly did.. and to see him being pushed into e ball of fire.. it's broke my heart.. i cried real hard.. even now, i could still rmb his last words to me.. he said, "rui, have you eaten? y still so skinny after u eat?" not one mth later, he died.. on e 14th may 2004.. i'll rmb man.. i'll nv forget.. it was my 1st A math exam on dat day.. wen my cousin told me he died, i told him not to joke abt dis things.. i only believed dat he's gone wen my mom told me.. it's juz too sudden.. it's too sudden.. i cant get over it.. i still think of him now and den.. i might joke abt him sometimes.. but not even my parents knew how deeply i love both my dead grandparents.. i still think occasionally how nice it wld be if both of dem were still alive.. i wan my grandpa and grandma back.. but i guess dat's impossible.. i think dat's y i wld rather go to sch on tue.. cos i didn't wan to experience e pain of seeing someone i knew cremated.. yea, i may be escaping but i really cant take it.. not now.. mayb in future but not now.. haiz.. wen i die, i wan to b buried, not cremated.. i wld rather b bitten by ants than to let my loved ones see me burn.. it'll only add on to e pain.. at least wen dey bury me, dey get to play dirt.. dere's an apt phrase dat describes cremation.. burn in hell.. y? cos e corpse burn, e ones watching are in hell.. dat's y.. so pls rmb.. wen i die, bury me.. dun cremate.. it'll only add on pain and pollution..

i guess dat's all ba.. for today, dat is.. damn.. i really miss my grandparents..


in my little world, you lit it up wif a simple smile.. ur smile made me feel loved.. ur kindness made me special.. i love you guys..

alrighty.. sch's started.. timetable sux worse than last sem.. zzz.. had a few tutorials and met some tutors.. jap tutor was fine.. he's Kubo (pronounced ku - bor).. lolx.. not bad la.. except dat i dunno anyone dere.. zz.. den socio oso not bad.. e tutor was funny.. i've been labeled e "daydreamer" cos i told her my hobby was daydreaming.. lolx.. hmm.. so far, i've only met one tutor whom i dun lyk.. not naming names here.. might get sued.. >.<(some ppl r juz SOOOO sensitive) oh well.. 1st, she took away my lunch break.. only limited it to 20 mins.. so i have to run down from lv 4 to lv1 to buy food and eat and run back up to lv 4 in 20MINS!!! wat e hell!!! i didn't finish my food and i got sick.. so fine... and she doesn't listen to opinions.. she appears diplomatic but NO!! we have to do things her way.. set rules and penaltites.. everything muz be done wif MONEY!!! fuck her la.. money is not all rounder kz... i bet she doesn't understand dat.. den she divided us into 4 grps.. doesn't let us choose.. makes her own decision.. fine.. even timeslot for consultation oso dun let us choose!!! i mean, at least let us draw lots la.. NO!!! muz be to her convenience... fuck u man... so for her conveience, my grp got stuck wif e earliest timing of 9am and muz not be late for more than 5 mins!! wat e hell... i pray her car breaks down or wat e hell.. juz anything to make her catch a bus and hope dat she encounters e horrors of e 9am bus jam!!!! den she'll noe y we cant promise her punctuality.. humph.. me and smith nearly argued wif her.. and suay suay tio lottery.. kaoz... i'm not gonna explain wat here.. will kanna scolded de... lolx

sianx.. one sucky tutor.. oh well gtg soon.. bye bye

hmm.. changed my blog template.. theme is e same as e previous one.. but i prefer dis pic beta.. haha.. nth to do.. so surf net and found dis blog skin.. hope it look nice.. keke.. anyways.. gtg slp le... tml morning have lecture.. zzz..


(-.-) bye and nitex!!

hmm.. i wonder if i said my dad bought me a lap top.. i guess i didn't.. haha.. oh well.. now u noe.. haha.. i'm getting quite lame here.. anyways.. not feeling very happy.. cos juz now argued wif sy.. or rather i lost my temper at him.. well.. let's juz say it's a disagreement ba.. haiz.. i guess not every relationship is smooth sailing.. i dun even noe who's fault is it.. i mean, how could it be his fault dat he's feeling inferior? is it my fault dat he's feeling inferior? i mean lyk, both of us r not at fault.. so y dis unhappiness? it's weird.. how we can b very happy one min, and very unhappy e nxt.. it's almost lyk a rollercoaster ride.. wif all those ups and downs.. but i dunno if it's mostly ups or downs.. i've lost track.. actually, i've lost track of a lot things.. sq asked me if i was really happy.. my ans is i dunno.. how to explain dat sometimes i'm happy but sometimes i'm nt? it's hard for ppl to understand and it will only make dem feel dat i'm weird.. i've lived my whole life wif ppl telling me how crazy i m.. not dat i mind.. but sth sy said really hurt me some.. yea, i'm weird.. but dat's a part of who i m.. you cant expect me to show u a diff side of me cos u cant accept e eccentric part of me.. wouldn't it b lyk cheating? i'll nv forget how he told me dat i'm a burden in his heart.. i'll oso nv forget him saying he's very xin ku cos i'm weird and dat he dun understand me at all.. haiz.. it's lyk.. everything i've said or done, he told me not to.. once i stopped all my "weird" behaviour, he says he doesn't understand me.. =.= wat does he wan me to do? i oso dunno le.. i've got nowhere to go.. no matter wat i do, it'll only add on to his burden.. dat's not wat i wan.. damn.. i really love him but how long more shld i accommodate him b4 i totally lose who i really am? how ready am i to change 17 yrs of how i spend my life for one guy? i really dunno.. and i really hope i dun have to do dat.. really wish he could learn to accept me.. be it eccentric, weird or normal...

hmm.. came back from chalet 3 days ago.. was planning to update but i've got a flu.. so been spending my time slping.. haha.. now a little ok le.. though not totally recover.. haha.. anywaes.. had a lot of fun during e chalet.. played majong wif val, manu and carol.. me and val won.. wootx!! we played money la.. so me got $2.50 den val got $3++.. i oso not sure.. oh yea.. i got drunk.. i mean really drunk on alcohol.. serious man.. i couldn't walk straight cos my head was really heavy and i'm sort of lyk dizzy.. i dunno la.. mayb i'm not completely drunk cos i still noe wat i did and could control wat i say.. haha.. brought smith, bin and val to red hse.. lolx.. dat's e funniest part.. i got dere and dunno y.. always hated e vibes i've been getting from dat place.. haha.. so i started scolding and all.. i dun even noe y e hell i lost control la.. haha.. muz b cos i drunk le.. but i'm not gonna use dat as an excuse.. i gotta admit i wasn't at e best of mood at dat time due to some problems.. so wen dey asked me y i drink so much wen i cant, i simply shrugged off e qns.. how to say i was troubled.. haha.. anyways.. poor bin got bullied by me la.. lolx.. actually.. i kinda lyk e feeling of being drunk but not totally drunk.. =.= does dat make sense? i dunno lehx... except for e dizzy part, i was very happy lorx.. as in really happy.. nv feel b4 de.. lyk got no troubles lyk dat.. u noe those qing piao piao de feeling.. haha.. heck la.. dunno wat i toking le.. another thing is.. sq told me will have headache.. but i dun have lehx.. i only puked.. slp a while, wake up still can play ps2 wif jos.. haha.. i lost la.. dynasty warrior.. is anyhow kill de.. i still lost.. lolx.. nearly won bin in wrestling match but i dunno how to complete.. damn!!! =.=

2nd nite was bbq.. haha.. food was gd.. not bad.. at 1st scared too little food.. but end up cannot finish wor.. haha.. after bbq went to play basketball la... damn la.. i played barefooted.. den guess wat.. i practically scrap off e skin at e sole of my foot.. wah.. pain.. cannot walk properly for 2 days... anyways... i played blackjack wif val and her frenz la... lolx.. i oso won money.. damn la.. those 2 days i very lucky.. nv lose money at all... keke.. but i win money liao run.. haha..

dat shld b for class chalet ba... after dat is all go hm except for me, linus, ivan, jos and smith.. we went to play pool.. haha.. i of course is e overall loser la.. haha.. cos i cant play plus i nv wear specs so cant aim at all.. >.< den after dat is really go hm le..

haiz.. den now got flu.. eat med.. slp.. see timetable oso sian.. so packed.. at 1st wed is 1pm go hm de... den dunno fucker go change until 6 den lesson end.. WAT E HELL!!!!

anyway.. dun feel lyk updating le.. haha

bye~~

mind's in a mess dese few days.. feeling a little messed up now.. think dat my life's in a mess and e only gd thing dat happened to me is sy ba.. i dunno y.. bt i always feel e need to pretend.. pretend dat everything is alrite.. dat i'll nv b troubled.. sometimes really hate myself.. how i messed up my life.. i didn't dare to tell anyone.. how much regrets i have.. sometimes i wish i could turn back time.. to change many things.. bt if i really did, i wldn't have known many ppl.. wldn't have known sy.. i dunno which is beta.. bt i guess i really shld stop thinking of wat could or might have been if i had chose differently..

HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY EVERYONE!!!! =.= lolx.. let's see.. i have not been celebrating children's day for more than 4 yrs.. really miss being a child.. haha.. holidays and all.. so fun..

hmm.. i think i really shld stop calling sy bao bei online ya noe.. after all, it's between me and him.. and it's lyk.. i dun think ppl will keep wanting to see me call him bao bei ba.. dun u think it's super weird? haha.. oh well.. i'm crapping again..

i got a hair cut and highlighted my hair.. lolx.. my bro calls me a shitake (mushroom).. oh well.. not dat i mind.. i mean, my hair's been a disaster ever since i was born.. since wen does my hair looks gd man.. haha..

met van and ben ytd.. talked, watched van study and took neoprints.. haha.. damn funny la.. very long nv see ben le... suddenly find him very tall.. lolx.. last time short short de.. in 1 yr time shoot up.. haha.. his growth is madness man.. *shakes head* and i still remain e same.. haha.. van became my new lao po sia.. ahaha.. how it became lyk dis, i forgot.. lolx.. so now i got sy AND van.. keke..

speaking of sy.. very long nv see him le.. >.< i noe it's my fault la.. stupid me working.. for my dad some more.. dat's worse.. so everytime i go out wif sy, my parents wld noe.. haha.. will b seeing him dis coming wed.. cant wait to see him.. i still dunno wan to go where.. e beach mayb? i very long nv go le.. think will go to e beach.. i need to escape from reality again..

reality: the quality or state of being actual or true.

i dun wan to face e truth.. i guess i always felt life wld b beta for me without reality ba.. juz let my dreams soar.. free from restrictions.. dere's trouble again.. i have no one to turn to.. mayb sy.. but i think he has problems on his own too.. wat's more.. dis trouble is rather redundant.. i dun even noe y it's happening.. sometimes, some ppl are juz so buay zi dong(hokkien).. oh well.. wat can i say.. dis world is so full of imperfection.. and here i am, asking myself wat have i done to deserve dis?

nvm if u dun understand.. it's not meant to b understood..

i'll never forget the pain you put me through
i'll never forgive myself for letting my guard down
i could never understand what made you do what you did
i would never know why i let you hurt me time and again
i guess everything is a lie
you have made me hate reality once again
i'll therefore hide again
maybe you'll feel happy this way...
but i gotta say
that's really sick of you...