Sunday, May 13, 2007
i've regretted many things in my life.. e things i've done, e decisions i made.. i've regretted a lot.. i regretted allowing things to get to dat stage.. dat even simple frenz find it hard to confide in one another.. i noe e main problem lies wif me.. me being so indecisive on wat i wan.. and when i noe wat i wan, it's all too late cos i've lost it..reading db's blog, i cant hlp thinking why things have gotten to dis stage.. and no, i'm not one e ppl who gossiped.. but whether she believes it or not, i dunno.. i wldnt get all emo and all.. i wldnt cry and all.. but somehow, dere's dis thick wall of glass between us.. where we can see each other but not clearly.. i dunno how dis wall came up..
4 yrs is alot of memories.. and too much drama.. mayb it's e drama which created dat glass wall ba.. for me, i juz wan a simple life.. and i sort of associated e frenship as e cause of e drama.. dat's when i started drifting away.. me and db are so much alike.. stubborn, rash, mayb even hot-tempered.. mayb dat's y e 2 of us are always arguing and all..
i can sense dat things are different now.. in e past, when we argued, we would call and trash things out.. but now, none of us bothered to call.. me, cos i'm afraid of losing her as a fren.. her, i dunno.. i guess she doesnt care le.. which is rather true ba... i wldnt call us e best of frenz now.. but last time, we were inseparable.. but wat's e use of holding on to e past.. sigh.. i guess both of us are tired of constantly trashing things out.. come to think of it, it's really stupid la.. where do we get all those stuff to trash out i oso dunno.. it juz appeared.. =.=
but i guess it's best now ba.. i mean, even if we were to meet now and talk, i really cant think of anything to say.. we now live 2 different lives.. unknowingly, we chose different paths and things started spiralling(sp?) out of control.. den me being e lazy one, i juz let go.. i juz detached myself from dis frenship... i thot things wld be better dis way...
but one underestimates e power of memories.. every joyous beat of my heart, every drop of blood from my heart, it all came from e memories.. joy and sadness.. laughters and tears.. unlike db, i didnt rmb her 1st gift to me.. dat's wat a lousy fren i am.. unlike her, e past 4 yrs have been a blur to me.. it's as if i've nv been dere.. it's not dat i dun care.. but i really cant rmb.. and no matter how i try, i juz cant rmb.. my most recent memory was when i broke down last yr and called her.. and she consoled(sp?) me.. and now i realise i've lost another listening ear..
i'm feeling so damn tired.. unlike db, i dun have a guy to turn to.. haha.. yes, i'm a little jealous of her.. but i'm juz not suitable for relationships ba.. cos i'm crazy and weird.. it gets lonely at nite.. but i'm not going to be pathetic here.. blame me for not treasuring wat i have.. lol
dese few days, i dun lyk going hm.. sth brought out e wild child in me.. all i wan is to stay out.. and do nth.. =.= and once in a while, i'll juz call my parents and say i'm going hm late.. den loiter ard outside.. sk noe abt dis so whenever he's wif me, he will send me hm all e way to my doorstep.. cos e min i step into my hse, i cant get out until e nxt day.. almost lyk jail sia... =.=
things will nv b e same le.. i've become so much more open dat i didnt care wat ppl think of me.. e worse ppl thot of me, e beta.. cos dis way, i cant disappoint.. i absolutely hate it when ppl tell me, "i'm disappointed in you." makes me so damned miserable..
i dun rmb words, i dun rmb events.. but i'll nv forget emotions.. dat's e kind of fren i am.. so leave me if you wan.. but if u stay, dun expect too much from me.. cos i cant b who you wan me to be..