Friday, March 30, 2007
e words "wat if" kept revolving in my head.. i cant hlp thinking.. wat if i chose another sec sch.. wat wld my life b now? wld i b continuing my basketball? or wld i b lyk now, aimlessly wandering.. at wat cost did i chose dis life now? n i thot wat if, i chose to go jc instead of poly, wat wld i b doing now? all e ppl dat i've known, all dat i've met.. wld all dat change if i made a different choice in e past? or wld i still meet all of dem but only in a different time and setting?i dunno y i'm starting to think of all dis.. mayb cos i have too much free time ba.. however, it's in my nature to b curious abt my "opportunity cost".. lolx.. dat's econs.. but yea.. wat am i forgoing to have a life such as wat if having now? am i making e rite choices or have i made mistakes.. and if i made mistakes, wat were dey? i'm constantly questioning myself, constantly doubting my own decisions.. i might seem hesitant to others but deep down inside, i'm juz afraid of making a wrong choice..
i noe ppl will tell me to take a chance.. risk it.. beta to risk it than to not do anything.. but i'm dat kind of person.. i hate e feeling of losing.. i cant bear e thot of losing.. dat's y i wld rather not do anything.. i'm also afriad of disapproval.. i might b 18, close to being an adult.. but even now, i cant do watever i lyk.. no matter wat i did, wat i choose, it's always under e influence of someone..
e person who influences me e most wld b my mom.. mayb it's cos i'm afraid of disappointing her.. somehow, my mom made me feel dat i wld nv do anything rite.. dat's y whenever she called me stupid, it really cuts deep in my heart.. i dunno y but now i'm wondering.. if i got into a JC, wld she still think dat i'm stupid? when i told her wat uni i wanted to go to, she say wait till i graduate from poly.. i noe she meant taking one step at a time, but i cant hlp thinking is it cos she thinks i'm too dumb..
all dis uncertainty is eating up at me.. i cant possibly voice it out to my mom.. not to any of my family members.. mayb dey'll think i'm more stupid than b4.. mayb cos of my stupidity, every decision i made is always wif e approval of my family.. n now i'm wondering, wat am i giving up by submitting to my family?
some might say freedom.. but i've got more freedom than b4.. i guess wat i'm giving up is independence ba.. looking at all my frenz, each and every one of dem works for their own pocket money.. only me is still asking my parents for money.. but whenever i expressed e desire to work, my mom wld say i dun wan to hlp my dad.. it juz simply made me guilty, feeling dat i'm letting dem down as their daughter..
i've been wondering for yrs now.. i've been wondering if i'm my parents' flesh and blood.. sometimes it feels lyk i am, sometimes i'm not.. wat if i'm not? wat wld i do den? i'll nv noe.. seng yi told me it has been scientifically proven that left handers are smarter but die younger.. i'm a left hander.. so if i really died young, wat wld my parents' reactions be? i've entertained thots of hurting myself to see wat my parents' reaction wld b.. but i think it wld juz give dem more reason to think dat i'm stupid..
wat is dis life dat i have chosen? y do i feel so lost? y m i not happy? y, after all dis yrs, do i still feel e need to hide myself away from my family? y have i lost my desire to live? i juz wan to simply let go and not care.. and i'm thinking, y is dat so...