Tuesday, January 16, 2007
once again, i've lost control of my emotions again.. was hlping my dad wif him work.. print le den realised typed a couple of wrong stuff.. so i got a little impatient cos i wanna do my projects.. end up my dad not happy, say dun need to hlp le since i'm in such an attitude.. well, can say dat i've lost control of myself cos i sorta said my dad's being very lame.. yea.. i noe i went overboard..so me and my dad fell out.. and i'm already in a lousy mood cos i noe it's my fault.. den my mom came out and say me.. dat's when i totally lost control and i sorta lyk said, "i didnt even do anything!" and i juz ran into my room and locked myself in.. den oh man, i started crying.. =.=
yea well, i've been feeling miserable these couple of days and was quite stressed.. i noe everyone's stressed too.. but for me, it's lyk opening a floodgate and everything juz sort of gushed out.. it's not only sch work la.. mainly oso got other stuff..
my bad for keeping everything to myself.. den when i couldn't take it anymore, i would juz start cry for a long time.. den i'll be damn tired.. slp le den wake up nxt morning lyk nth happen.. i noe it's kinda unhealthy doing dis but hey, dis is how i am.. i mean, u cant always expect me to go find someone to tok to juz cos i'm unhappy rite.. ppl will b irritated de cos dey oso have their own problems...
i guess i'm beta than others le.. at least i juz cry and tok to my soft toys.. i've read on e net, dere are ppl who actually harbor suicidal thots.. and dey cut themselves.. i had a fren who cuts herself but she has since stopped, i hope... and no, i wun start cutting myself.. i oso wun drink cos i obviously cant find any alcohol in my room..
now sitting here and typing out all dis, i wonder y i cried.. mayb i really feel miserable in dis family ba.. yes, dere are happiness, fun and laughter.. but under it all, i feel dat my family members do not understand me at all.. i mean, dey dunno how i think or feel.. dey dunno wat went on in my life other than those dat i told dem which some are lies to keep them satisfied.. other than dat, dey nv really went out e way to ask how's my day...
mayb it's cos i would gif dem e info automatically.. dat's y dey sorta assumed i told them everything.. i dunno.. dey always point out my bad points.. i noe it's gd cos dey let me noe so i can improve but an occasional praise wun hurt..
mayb dey nv knew.. but i've been living in e shadow of my younger bro for so long dat i started to resent myself for being stupid.. yea, all his academic results surpass me.. he's beta than me in everything minus watching horror movies.. hey, watching horror movies is nth worthy to praise.. i mean, other than telling me i can do it, y can i get e "well done, keep up e gd work"? for years i've yearned to hear these words.. but nv once have i heard dem..
i always rmb how my parents would call me stupid when dey are angry at me.. i guess dey nv knew how much it hurt me.. how much i cared wat dey said.. i dun care abt others calling me an idiot or say i'm stupid.. but when my parents said it, whether in jest or in anger, it cuts deep inside me..
i could nv show dem how unhappy i am.. cos dey will nv understand and when i tell dem e reason, dey'll say i'm being silly.. so even when dey hurt me wif their careless deposition of words, i juz take it in silently and pretended dat i didnt mind.. i cant even cry in front of dem.. cos dey'll ask me wat's wrong.. how to say i cry cos of wat dey said.. isnt crying in front of dem silly enuf.. how silly do i wan to be...
typing out all these makes me cry all over again.. having a terrible headache now.. and so damn tired.. i'm still locked in my room.. dun wan to go out to face dem.. haix.. i think i'll go do my soci project to take my mind off things le...