Saturday, July 29, 2006
i'm feeling really lousy... playing maple, hlping sq to train his warrior.. den i go see his guild.. so full of life, so successful.. den i went back to my own char.. and i looked at my guild.. such a failure.. i started hearing a voice at e back of my head.. mocking me.. telling me dat i wld nv succeed in anything i do.. e more i looked at my guild.. e lousier i felt and e angrier i am at myself.. i started asking myself y i think dat i could do things rite.. after all, i'm born a failure.. e only gd things in my life are my family, frenz and sy.. other than dat, everything abt me sux.. i couldn't take it anymore.. i decided to disband my guild.. but b4 dat, i knew i had to ask for db's opinion.. (say i no backbone, i dun care.. dis guild is partly db's too) so i talked to her abt it.. and she said anything.. dat e decision is up to me.. den i asked gray if dere's any vacancy in his guild.. so i could secure a place for my active guild members which is a pitible sum of 3, excluding myself..such a mockery.. mind you.. in my guild, dere's 17 ppl.. but dere's only 3, excluding myself, who were active.. isn't dis guild such a hoax.. can u even imagine how miserable i felt.. wen i realize dat.. here i am telling myself, "nxt time, juz b e minion.. dun b e leader.. u'll ruin everything.." i guess i'll keep repeating dat to myself.. mayb it might get into my thick fat head..but gray cant confirm if he can recruit my ppl.. he need to ask sy and zh.. i'm alrite wif it.. it's not as if i'm desperate or anything.. i already left my guild.. not becos i so wan to join gray's guild.. but i simply cant stay in my sorry state of a guild.. juz makes me feel very lousy abt myself.. all i can say is i've really done my best.. i've put in time, effort and money.. everything i have.. mayb my best is not enuf... but i've really tried.. juz dat i'm gd enuf.. so PureInGlory is finally going to b put to rest.. dere's nth pure in the glory.. i made it unpure.. by not being able to keep it alive.. and i really hate myself for dat...
i juz cat hlp it.. dis weighty feeling in my heart.. haiz.. think i'll go slp le.. i wish i wun dream...