Friday, June 30, 2006
last nite, i asked sy.. y do ppl feel pain wen dere are no wounds? up till now, i still dunno e ans.. but i do noe HOW a person can feel pain wen dere's no wounds.. cos i've experienced dat.. dat pain juz came frm nowhere and it started to consume me... eating away at my soul.. sy asked me juz now.. wat caused u so much pain? i didn't dare to tell him dat e person who caused me so much pain, was actually myself.. i'm so mad at myself.. y did i let down my defences? y did i show my weakness? y did i nearly break down? today in class, i'm supposed to present part of my sppech to e class.. i only knew abt it last nite so naturally, i wasn't prepared.. but den again, who cares? i felt lyk crying so much.. i nearly cried in class.. i wasn't kidding wen i said i felt lyk dying.. ppl juz laughed it off.. hey, i dun joke abt such stuff dat much.. and i'm mad at myself for being so weak.. den i felt pain.. pain frm knowing dat i'm actually juz dat useless.. for god's sake.. i cant even speak properly in front of my classmates.. i felt pain frm knowing dat.. wen e tutor asked if dere was anything dey lyk abt my speech, dere was dis heavy silence.. mayb no one knew but dat silence juz added a heavy load on my heart.. i felt so useless, felt so helpless.. and i cant hlp remembering my mom saying dat i'm useless wen i expressed my fear of public speaking.. thks for comforting me.. yea rite..so dis gloomy cloud was hanging over me throughout e lesson but i told myself to hold on.. mayb wen i see sy later, he could lend me a shoulder to lean on.. but after lesson, wen i called him, he was asleep.. so i kept quiet and told him to rest.. den i called bc.. but he's at hm.. and db's at his hse.. dey told me to go over but i said no.. cos i really dun have e strength to go up dere and b happy.. i juz needed a shoulder to lean on but den none was available.. i was holding back my tears, holding back my despair.. i'm struggling.. but dere's no one dere.. so wat can i do? i simply did wat i always do in such situations.. pretend to b strong and wen dere's finally a shoulder to lean on, let go and mayb cry.. but crying's hard.. cos dere's no tears left in me.. i'm really tired le.. really tired of dis weaker side of me.. somehow, i really wish i didn't existed...
i noe db offered to listen.. but rite now, saying it out juz makes it all e more true.. for once, i'm trying to run away.. saying is akin to admitting dat i'm weak and i noe i wld break down.. i wldn't wan dat to happen.. not because of a stupid speech..
i wld really wan to have a hug frm u.. but wld it b weird? cos i really need ur support now..