Saturday, June 03, 2006
i suppose dis will be e entry where i say sayonara to part of my past ba.. thinking back, i've made a lot of mistakes.. done a lot of wrongs.. mayb my worse mistake was to simply let things b ba... i'm already given a chance to b happy now.. but somehow i feel dat perhaps for one last time, say gdbye.. gdbye to those wrong things, gdbye to those unwanted memories.. most of all, gdbye to myself.. if u thik dat dis is dumb, leave rite now.. cos wat i'm gonna say is even dumber..hmm.. as i read db's and sq's blog, i cant help thinking.. how has things come to dis point? and i cant hlp being angry at dis world as to y muz things change? how do we become frenz frm strangers? and how do we become enemies from frenz? all it takes was a simple word and a simple action.. and things change.. i kept asking y? y? y? but no ans came.. words were said, feelings were hurt.. hate develops.. can we really stop all dis? i'm tired frm all dis changes.. i juz wosh dat for once, things remain as b4.. where hate does not exist.. where frenz, were simply e greatest joy of our lives.. everyone bears a scar frm e past.. but how many of us let e scar heal? apparently not me.. cos it serves as a reminder to myself.. to remind myself dat at one point of my life, i've shed so many tears.. so much dat i wld not let e same thing to occur again..
many a times, i tell myself dat everything will b ok.. but is it really e truth? looking at me and sq, i cant hlp thinking wat had gone wrong? everything was ok after we broke up.. we were still frenz.. den suddenly, i find myself not wanting to talk to him.. giving him e cold shoulder.. up till now, i still didn't noe e reason for my actions.. and all dis slowly summed up to his hate towards me ba.. my indifference to him, and my being close to sy... i suppose dat was e last straw ba.. i really dunno.. i mean, i'm really troubled over dis ba.. mayb somewhere deep in my heart, i was hoping dat sq wld come to me and say, "i'm happy for u.." but i suppose i'm asking for too much rite? i juz have to make do wif now, i guess.. but i really hope one day, u wld juz tell me dat.. cos i noe i wld say e same to u.. haiz.. nvm la... juz wish u all e best le..
dreaming.. such a wonderfull escape for me.. a wonderful shield dat blocks away all my unhappinees.. but den i still have to come down to reality.. frenship.. wat does it encompass? how much worth does it have? i guess i'll nv find out.. haiz.. frenship is a very fragile matter ba.. i really dunno la.. juz dat, i find dat if ppl dun remain contact for long, dey drift apart.. i'm not aiming at anyone.. juz feel lyk saying.. i find myself drifting liao.. lyk dere's no place dat belongs to me anymore.. i'm lyk.. starting not to care liao.. dese few days.. juz not noticing anything le.. i'm simply zoning out.. everyone think dat i'm thinking of sth.. but to tell e truth, my mind was blank.. i was simply staring into space.. i dunno wat i'm toking abt now.. sry, i'm crapping here.. i really need someone to bring me back to earth ba.. hoping dat someone was db but.. she's got things dat she need to handle de.. so e nxt person i turn to is sy.. nv tell him much.. juz silently taking in his comfort.. something dat makes me feel down to earth.. i guess dat's wat i really need ba.. juz b dere.. cos i need someone.. someone to bring me back wen i'm gone..
i've changed a lot le.. in e past, i nv really knew how to stand up for myself.. now, i noe how to say wat i wan and wat i dun wan le.. mayb now, i wun keep pushing myself to do wat i dun lyk ba.. for once, i wan to live for myself, not for others.. but dat does not mean dat i'm totally gone.. a part of me wld still remain.. my motto in life wld still b to see ppl smile.. but not to e extent of sacrificing my own happiness.. not now, not ever.. i cant juz keep hurting myself dis way anymore.. not if i truly wan to b happy.. i now noe wat i wan.. i wan to b happy.. i wan to laugh without any care.. i wan to truly smile.. i wan to b happy for myself.. not for others.. i've been playing e role of e clown for many yrs.. i guess it's abt time i stopped.. mayb for once, i wan to b entertained.. to feel dat someone actually wan to see my smile.. to enjoy ba.. it's tough being an entertainer.. cos even if u're unhappy, u cant show it.. i wan to show my true feelings.. i really wan to do dat..
so i'll say gdbye to e me who was a coward.. gdbye to e me who was a clown.. and gdbye to e me who always remained silence.. hello to e me who wants happpiness and hello to e me who simply wan to do sth rite for once.. to everyone, stay happy always.. to sq, i may nv reduce e hurt.. but i'm waiting for ur forgiveness.. to sy, u going ns soon le.. i'll b lying if i said i wun miss u.. take care..
Sometimes i remember the darkness of my past, bringing back these memories i wish i didn't have. Sometimes i think of letting go and don't look back or move forward, so there'd never be a past.
In the fragile bubble-like dream that i am protecting, happiness is just beginning but hurt is alredy present.. Remembering. Does it mean not losing?
Not seeing. Does it mean not existing? Maybe you've been covered by the clouds.. Maybe dust has covered my eyes.. Though i can't see you but i can feel your warmth..