Friday, June 23, 2006
guess wat i'm doing now.. sitting at hm(yea of course i'm hm.. how else wld i be blogging.. =.=) and laughing at myself.. yesh.. dat's sth new.. i'm laughing at myself.. cos seriously la.. how long am i gonna hope and dream?? y cant i simply juz wake up.. wat made me think dat i am in some way special? y is it dat everytime i make myself feel gd, sth or sum1 wld spoil it and make me all feeling bad abt myself again?? y do i keep hoping dat i am special to sum1? y do i keep dreaming dat everythings ok?? y do i dream of impossible things? y do i keep dreaming and dreaming and CANT WAKE UP???? JUZ STOP IT!! STOP IT!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!!! for once, i hate my dreams.. cos i've been so harshly brought back by reality dat for once, i saw how stupid i've been all along.. i look back at my past actions and i wonder.. y all those crazy stunts? y e crazy thos? y do i drink so much even though i dun lyk drinking? y do i do stupid things and try to make others worry? y? y? y? y do i feel so cold? even wen ppl show their concern for me, i cant feel anything.. i make ppl worry on purpose.. i do things i dun lyk on purpose.. everything i do to torture myself.. all for wat? i juz dunno... i juz need some sense of security.. juz to let me noe dat i wld nv b let down.. i realized dat by doing stupid stunts lyk drinking and banging my head, ppl will b concerned and tell me to take care and all dat stuff.. i'm sick ok... i'm seriously sick.. cos frm young, only wen i hurt myself or do sth stupid, will ppl den notice me.. otherwise, no one knows i exist.. yesh, i'm loud.. so wat? dat got ppl's attention, didn't it? have u felt so left alone dat sometimes u think, "hey, mayb dey wun notice even wen i'm dead.." i've had dat kind of thinking u noe.. sometimes i even ask myself, am i my parents' biological daughter? if i am, y do dey sometimes not noe of my existance? my bro calls me ugly, stupid.. yea.. mayb i am.. outside, ppl say i'm cute.. i'll smile and say thank you.. but deep in my heart, i'm thinking," dun bluff la.. i noe i'm ugly.." all dis dark thots follow me everyday of my life.. so now i ask myself again, dun u think it's time to wake up? or shld i continue dreaming?let's see.. i drink, gamble and mayb fight.. but how many of those do i lyk? yes, i can drink but i dun lyk drinking.. yes, i gamble but i dun encourage gambling.. yes, i fight but i hate hurting ppl.. contradictive? yes, i believe so.. but y do i do all dis? wen i was a small kid, i had my 1st taste of beer.. and guess wat e adults said? "wah.. so clever ar.. so young noe how to drink liao.." and so, i grew up thinking dat if i continue to drink, e adults wld praise me more.. and teachers always say dat if a person praises u, u've done e rite thing.. yesh, adults praise me wen i drink so i'll continue drinking as much as i dun lyk it.. gamble.. my cousins love it wen i gamble wif dem.. somehow, we kids were given e idea dat if u dun gamble, u dun belong to dis circle of cousins.. so all e cousins gamble together.. yes, i've won, i've lost.. but i dun care abt dat.. i care more abt belonging and having a place in e family ba.. fighting.. no excuses though.. i juz simply tell myself since i drink and gamble, i might as well fight.. dat wld make me a really bad person and i wld stand out in my circle of cousins.. true enuff, my cousins paid more attention to me after dey knew i could drink, gamble and fight.. hey, i became one of dem! even as i embark on e path of self destruction, i still secretly harbor a small flame of hope dat i could really b me.. but i guess dat's not going to happen.. i'm too deep into it.. i've been lyk dis for over a decade... how do i change back wen i cant even rmb wat i was lyk b4 i changed into who i am now..
hmm.. wat prompted me to write all dis? actually nth much.. juz a small disappointment and a huge wake up call?? i dunno.. i juz suddenly feel so lousy abt myself.. but now i'm a little beta le.. cos i've let it out.. anywayz.. dunno la.. mayb i'll feel lousy abt myself again.. but so far now i not so jia lat le.. i guess dat's all ba.. ciao