Thursday, April 06, 2006
hmm.. i'm continuing frm my previous blog.. cos rite now, i really wan to see who i really am.. all along, i've been having suicidal thots.. i nearly broke down last nite.. even after i've talked to db.. not bcos of wat she said.. but bcos i was once again reprimanding myself.. see.. i'm actually happy dat db told me abt her problems.. and i noe dat as compared to her, my life is better.. but dat does not mean dat my life is smooth sailing.. wat db wld nv understand is my need to apologize on a fren's behalf ba.. i noe she wldn't accept dat apology but.. i've been taking responsibility for my frens for yrs.. i cant break dat habit easily.. y do u think i went for counselling in sec 3? cos i was simply taking responsibility for everything others did.. mayb it's my way of keeping my frens.. i'm really pathetic at times.. cos i kept telling myself dat if i sacrifice myself for my frens, dey wld stick wif me.. so juz let me apologize on clarion's behalf.. cos she's my fren and i've been doing dis for yrs.. at least it makes me feel beta ba.. so pls, accept it for my sake.. i'm used to it le.. mayb i really shld go for another round of counselling.. dunno la.. ok.. back to last nite.. i nearly broke down.. and a miracle happened.. i mean, for e 1st time, someone actually listened.. dat kind of listening as i've always given to everyone.. juz listen and not comment.. den comment wen e person's done wif letting everything out.. and dat person who listened to me was sq.. i mean, e person who came to my mind 1st was db.. but sq suddenly juz came to me and offered to listen.. and i juz opened up lyk a floodgate, pouring out my innermost feelings to him.. and i found myself slowly letting go e idea of dying.. it's lyk, in my previous entries, i was practically begging everyone who wld listen to actually stop talking and for once to listen to me.. but i guess i was too subtle cos no one understood me.. i think it's only wen i said in my tag board to let me die, did it capture e attention of sq ba.. and i guess i shld thank him for at least noticing my need for someone to listen cos he didn't tell me things.. all he did was comfort me.. i supposed dat's wat i needed most.. but den, if it were bc who approached me, i think i wld run away frm him.. cos dere's too much sadness in him.. i could feel la.. and i dun think he'll sit dere quietly and listen.. last nite, i let myself take a break.. i actually forgot abt my expectations and acted lyk a mad woman.. namely saying everything dat came to my mind.. and i said all of dat to sq.. muz have been tough for him.. to listen to my ranting and raving.. if it were someone else, i wld have been labelled a lunatic.. i slept in e living rm last nite for 1-2 hrs.. cos wen i tried to stand up and walk, i juz crumbled.. i dunno wat happened.. i juz couldn't feel anything waist down.. so i crawled towards e cushions and lay dere.. wen i finally got feelings back to my legs, i got up and went to my rm..so i could say dat i was feeling rather normal today.. no suicidal thots, and i didn't even reprimand myself.. i sort of relaxed a little.. we prepared e food for tml's picnic and we played some games.. e soft toy gray gave me was so CUTE!! i loved it very much.. i named it qiu qiu(ball ball).. after a while, eveyone got tired so we started slacking.. and i suddenly felt e urge to be alone wif qiu qiu.. so i hid in van's rm.. and i hugged qiu qiu real tight as if my life depended on it.. i'm not depressed or anything.. juz felt lyk being alone.. and in my mind, i was talking to qiu qiu.. i told her to smile for me.. cos i could not conjure up e strength to smile.. but as i looked at qiu qiu's smile, i wld smile along.. while i was hiding in van's rm, sq came in to look.. i think he's concerned.. but i kept my head hidden lyk an ostrich.. den ben came.. and he and db came in to see wat's wrong wif me.. wen he and db found me, i already stuck myself in a corner.. locking myself at e corner wif a chair.. i could not explain y i did wat i did.. all i noe is, i wan to stick myself as close to e corner as possible.. and e 2 of dem juz sat wif me.. den e rest started filing in.. but i still sat in e corner.. i supposed dey were wondering wat's wrong.. i went on talking to qiu qiu in my mind.. e rest were playing game liao.. i did not join in cos i wanted to talk to qiu qiu some more.. in my mind, i kept saying "smile for me, give me strength to smile".. and it's as if qiu qiu heard my cries, cos i really found e strength to smile.. some times i found soft toys and animals more reliable than humans ba.. cos dey listened wif a smile and really makes me feel dat everything's going to b alrite.. haha.. imagine me talking to soft toys.. pathetic...
on e way hm , gray walked hm wif me.. and we talked abt some stuff.. lyk how i was bullied wen i was a kid.. and my happy days in pri sch.. and of e tough times wen i got sick.. and i told him abt me torturing myself and he told me sth which i shld have done a long time ago.. find someone and say everything out.. those words left a deep impression in my heart as i rmb how sq listened to my ramblings last nite.. and for dat, i'm grateful to him.. i'm oso grateful to gray for making me smile and laugh.. and really wld wan to thank him for qiu qiu ba.. cos i felt safer wif a soft toy close by.. haha.. but i cant bring her out.. nvm.. juz for today is enuf le.. cos nxt time if i needed comfort, i wld noe dat i have a lot of frenz waiting for me at hm to listen to me.. haha.. even as i'm feeling normal, i'm still a mad woman.. oh well..
i think i've gotten out of point.. i'm supposed to try to understand how i've become lyk dis.. i dunno.. i've got high expectations on myself.. i dun think db has higher expectations than me wen it comes to me.. cos wen i found out wat she wanted, i started crafting out e person she wanted.. however, dere's bc, sq, sk, zh, ben... so many of dem... not to mention my family and my other frens.. dere's so many of dem.. how do i craft out e perfect fren, e perfect daughter wen dere's only one me?? dat's e qns dat's been revolving in my mind.. den e ans came.. ard diff ppl, i'll show dem diff side of me.. e side whom dey think is perfect.. wldn't dat satisfy everyone? but i miscalculated one thing.. i nv expected doing dis wld cause me to lose myself.. and b4 i noe it, i started hating myself cos dere's too many of me dat i'm confused.. i dunno which side of me to show.. wat happenes wen everyone were together.. which side of me do i show? it ends up wif ppl being disappointed in me.. and i wld reprimand myself and abuse myself more.. i kept changing.. i change in e hope dat ppl wld lyk me more.. dat mayb i could finally meet e expectations of everyone.. but while i'm trying to satisfy one, another wld b dissatisfied.. it's neverending.. so i wld ask myself, are all dis worth it? my ans wld always b yes.. dese ppl, my frenz.. all of dem r important.. dere might b placings but all r important.. i try my best to satisfy all.. all i need is for dem to sometimes praise me for a job well done.. it wld really hlp me to hang on and make myself a beta person for everyone.. dun tell me now to b myself.. who e hell i really am, i dun really noe.. cos a long time ago, i've already destroyed myself..
to db, i'll b a gd listener for u.. juz gif me a hug occasionally as a reward for my hard work.. to ben, i'll continue to b ur childish mom.. haha so pls bear wif me.. to bc, i dunno who u wan me to b.. but i dun mind being a substitue to hlp u forget certain feelings.. to sq, thank u for listening.. if u need someone to talk to, i'll b dere.. to gray, zh and sk, i'm still ur mei.. really great to have u guys as gors.. one makes me laugh, one looks after me and one keeps me in line.. really thank u guys.. to van, try to establish links wif ur classmates.. u nv noe how dey'll come in handy.. trust me, i noe.. to e rest of my frenz, i'll always b dere.. i'll make sure u guys remain happy..
hmm.. dat's a rather weird way to end a blog.. mayb for once, i'm telling e truth from e bottom of my heart ba.. i feel lyk i'm talking rubbish but.. dat's how i always am and i guess dat's y u guys always laugh at wat i say.. cos i sometimes can make rubbish sound true.. tee hee.. bye and cya soon~~