Saturday, April 08, 2006
taday was an uneventful day.. or rather, dere was totally nth to talk abt.. seemed lyk a rather bad day.. last nite, wanted to find some1 to talk to.. thot of db, den rmbered she still outside wif e rest.. i'm e only one who needs to go hm early.. and i reprimanded myself for spoiling her fun.. end up i did not call her.. cos i dun think she checked her hp.. today, stayed at hm.. i cant go out.. everyone knew so none of dem called.. and i started reprimanding myself again.. y i keep checking my phone.. seemed so desperate.. juz kept hoping dat some1 wld gif me a call.. juz to chat.. but nope.. no one called.. except ben msg me to ask me abt maple.. other than dat, nth.. i actually wanted to call db.. den i rmbered she's outside.. haiz.. i live in a world diff frm others.. i cant go out.. even wen i go out, i muz reach hm b4 7pm.. it's almost lyk a cheap version of cinderella.. named cedarella.. haha.. dunno la.. felt so lonely.. wanted to find some1.. but e person dat i looking for always not dere.. no no no.. i dun mind de.. i'll talk to my soft toys more only.. but.. my toys cant reply.. dat makes my life look even more bleak.. den i kept looking out of e window.. juz hoping dat i had e courage to ask my parents to let me go out.. but i noe dem.. dey always hated me going out.. it seemed dat i've been trained frm young not to ask for permission to go out.. cos e ans wld always b no and it always ends up wif my mom not being happy.. haix.. i really dunno lehx.. i wanted to ask for juz one day.. one day is enuff.. for me to go out for lyk 1 whole day.. den i happy enuf le.. sch starting le.. i really hoping for dat last taste of freedom b4 sch work binds me down again.. but i still could not muster e courage to ask for dat 1 day.. really wished i could grow up faster.. so mayb i could stay out longer.. i dun ask for going out everyday.. juz occasionally let me stay out longer, i wld b happy to stay at hm le.. it seems fun to go out on wkends and have fun wif frenz.. but it has been etched deep in my mind dat wkends are for family.. even after my grandma died, i muz always rmb dat i cant go out on sat and sun.. cos it's a life-time reservation for family.. dese family values were etched deep in our heart and mind dat no matter how hard we try to get rid of dem, dey always remain dere.. unspoken but always dere.. it's almost lyk a non-washable tattoo.. hmm.. i wonder if i dare to ask for one more day so i could go out wif frenz.. i really wished e trip to east coast park didn't have to end so soon.. but.. it's all bcos of me.. sometimes really envy db and van.. ppl always have e perception dat as we grow older, we get more freedom.. for me, even if i'm one yr older than db and van, i got e least freedom ba.. but i dun blame anyone for dat.. i noe my parents wld wry for me and i think dey juz wanted to spend more time wif me ba.. cos i'm lyk growing up liao and sooner or later, i wld wan to keep going out.. i've nv asked to stay out late.. except for concerts, chalets.. other than dat, i always reached hm b4 7pm.. it was owrse in e past.. i had to reach hm b4 6pm.. but now i realized dat i'm e one who set all dis limitations.. cos if i asked my parents, i doubt dey wld wan me to go out.. even if dey said yes, dey dun say it in a nice way.. which really always spoils my mood.. so i learned nv to ask.. juz go out.. but always come hm b4 a certain time so dey wldn't find out.. i lived in a world filled wif deceptions without knowing it.. i cant wait for me to turn 18.. many doors wld open for me.. alcohol, cars.. i'll b almost an adult le.. den mayb i can go out more often le.. so for now, i'll juz wait.. but i think i'll ask for dat 1 day to lyk go hm ard 10pm.. really wanted to do dat.. juz 1 day is enuff..i sit at hm.. lonliness engulfing my being..
juz waiting for e time wen i grow up..
den i wld dare to spread my wings and fly..
to discover e beautiful world out dere..
to rediscover life, to live life to e fullest..
but for now, i'll have to wait..
as lonliness comes closer, i use slp as my shield..
i try to deceive myself dat it was sleepiness, nv lonliness..
and now i wonder, how much longer can i keep up dis deception?