Friday, March 24, 2006
haiz.. rite now, it's quite late le.. db juz msg me say we shld get everyone together to talk.. i agreed.. dese past few days, i've been thinking a lot.. i've done so much thinking dat my mind is on overload.. i keep rmbering a lot of things.. some happy, some sad.. everything.. sweet, sour, bitter.. i've tasted it all within a span of a few months.. i dunno.. i've loved, been loved.. i'm not sure if i've hated.. but i noe some ppl hated me at some point of time.. i'm aware but i choose to turn a blind eye.. cos i'm such a chicken.. i dunno le.. all dis nonsense wif van.. i'm really very tired liao.. i noe frm e bottom of my heart dat i dun lyk her but i oso noe i dun hate her.. cos after all, i still will care for her.. but i dun think she will ever understand ba.. cos e way she's treating me, it's lyk she views me as an enemy.. i noe i've said a lot of harsh things in my blog entries.. i nv regretted saying dem.. i only regretted hurting ppl.. even van.. cos no matter how much i try to convince others, i cant bring myself to hurt ppl even though i'm capable of it.. if i've ever hurt anyone, all i can say is i'm sry...after thinking things thru, i'm in a clearer state of mind.. i realized dat wat's happening now, is not solely van's fault.. everyone's at fault ba.. i mean, van was wrong to gif us attitude, e guys were wrong to neglect us but db and i made e worse mistakes ba.. i guess we simply juz took things for granted and wen we've lost dem, we felt e hurt so much dat we were not aware of letting go.. i'm not sure abt db but dis is how i feel liao.. we shld all b held responsible for wat's happening now ba.. cos we r all in this together.. i can finally see now dat mayb, juz mayb, van did not expect things to turn out dis way.. i'm not sure but dis is how i hope it is.. cos at least we can settle e diff.. no, i'm not hoping for e grp to go back to as b4.. it's damn obvious dat sq already left le.. it's oso obvious dat i wld not go back le.. i not sure abt db la.. but at least, let us all not stay in dis shroud of misunderstanding forever ba.. db and i r taking dis one huge step backwards and all we're hoping is dat ppl will understand dat we do not wan to carry on lyk dis anymore.. it's time to really show how we feel, how much we care for one another..
i'm not entirely sure wat is happening now.. van's mom called db.. in my opinion, wen moms start calling in, everyone's got to stick together to ensure minimal 'damage'.. i noe it's rather drama but hey, i've done dis b4.. i really dun wan anything to happen to van or anybody.. i mean, i night not lyk her a lot but dat does not mean i'm going to leave her to die.. i'm still human la.. i wry for gray.. after all i still regard him as my gor... he's been going out wif van.. shld van's mom start holding ppl responsible, gray's gonna get it 1st.. and dat's wat i'm trying to prevent.. but i'm not sure if dey understand my gd intention or do dey think dat i'm spoiling their fun? if dey wan to think dat i'm spoiling their fun, i really got nth to say in my defense.. cos i'm really spoiling their fun.. i rather I spoil their funthan VAN'S MOM spoiling their fun.. hmm.. but i hope i'm juz being paranoid.. really dun wan to face another angry mom.. i mean, pls la.. e woman is threathening to call in a PI.. how do u expect me to react sia.. juz lie low and wait for all dis to blow over la.. dunno la.. see at van do abt it liao..
speaking of gor, i really miss my gor, bc.. i noe la.. u let me down but does dat mean i will forget abt u? once again, i'm taking a big step backwards.. i really missed u.. but i noe u wldn't contact me.. cos every nite i wait.. i keep waiting for ur call.. but dat call nv came.. db said u dunno how to face me.. ok.. i'll wait.. i'll juz keep waiting.. every nite.. i didn't dare to slp.. cos i'm afraid u wld call.. but u nv did.. i'm still waiting now.. i dun expect any apologies.. all i need is juz a hug frm u to tell me dat everything will b ok.. dat i dun have to cry at nite anymore.. i feel very lonely at nite cos i noe u have not forgiven me.. i'm still waiting.. but how much longer do i have to wait? i dunno how much longer i can hold on..
so rite now, i'm waiting to put everything to rite again and i'm waiting for my gor to call.. juz a simple msg will do.. dun shut me out le.. for heaven's sake.. we juz live a block away...