note to all: dis entry was dated 16 march 2006. dere's some problem in my previous blog thus e change.. by the way, dis used to b my hidden blog.. now, it is open for all as i m finally free...

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juz now.. saw van.. she gave me e 'sian' face.. i dunno la.. say i think too much lorx.. but i was very angry at dat time so i didn't care.. i mean, ben is part of dis grp.. u guys r supposed to go out today.. how come u guys forgot to contact him? i'm not blaming van alone.. db oso kanna frm me.. e 2 of dem organised dis outing.. so dey forget, i scold.. db accept.. but van.. e min bc come, she scold bc.. say y he nv call ben.. but bc say van nv ask him to call ben... dat's wen i saw red, and nth else.. i juz said loudly to van," stop shrinking frm responsibility" den i went over to play game.. den later, at e foodcourt, van was crying.. i dun feel anything.. mayb in e past i wld but not now.. cos i dun feel anything anymore.. bc say is my fault.. for being too blunt abt her shrinking frm responsibility.. sq oso say db.. fine.. i accept.. it's my fault.. r u happy? do i need to publically apologise? i'm sry for making van cry.. i'm sry for shouting at van.. i'm sry for being harsh.. i'm sry for spoiling ur fun.. i'm sry for reminding u guys dat ben is still in e grp.. i'm sry for beiong honest.. i'm sry for even being who i m.. happy now gor? i bet u wldn't even believe me if i tell u i'm crying.. cos to u, it doesn't matter.. van cry, u blame me.. ok i accept.. but if i'm crying now, i'm sure u'll still blame me.. u'll say dat i think too much.. i dun understand.. i noe i'm tough.. but even a tough person has his/her vulnerable times.. but y isit dat no one is ever dere wen i need someone to lean on?
db said dat if van wan ppl to notice her, she'll ask for it.. but i'm not van.. it's not lyk me to ask for ppl to care.. all i ask for is for ppl to notice.. to notice dat somehow, i'm hurting one way or another.. it's funny u noe.. wen van cry or wat, u ppl will b concerned and ask her wat's wrong.. but if it's me or db, u ppl nv notice at all.. i mean, wen db cry or hurt herself, who asked her wat's wrong? or do u juz assumed dat it's one of her mood swings? or me.. wen i get all aggressive or quiet, who bother to find out e reason? or do u juz stay as far away as possible? dere's always a reason y ppl will b upset.. i dunno.. isit becos me and db r so 'important' to u dat none of u juz assumed dat nth is wrong? do u regard me as a clown only dere to entertain u? has anyone thot dat i might have feelings.. i've always hated crying but now i welcome e tears.. cos dere's so much hurt in me dat i dun even noe how to vent it out.. mayb e tears wld help me lessen e pain.. rite now, i'm not asking for anyone to pay me more attention.. it's useless la.. all i need is one ans frm van.. which is e real u? i'm confused.. one moment, u're all tough but a single comment, u r crying ur eyes out.. have u ever shown me who u really r? do u really want me as a fren? i noticed dat all ur ans r lyk db's.. for once, think abt urself.. cos u gif us e feeling dat u only wan those guys as ur frenz.. and i find myself asking dis qns.. will u b happier if db and i juz leave?
dis blog entry has so many "u" in it dat i dun even noe who dis is meant for.. i supposed it's for everyone ba... now i'm thinking.. y do i cry now, wen none of u is ard.. y do i not cry juz now? den i get e ans.. cos in front of u guys, i have to act happy.. even as i think, i find it funny.. a lot of ppl wil surely think dat i'm crazy.. walking ard as tears stream down my cheeks.. even now, i'm still crying.. my aunt ask me wat happen, i have to lie dat sand got into my eye.. how can i bring myself to say how hopeless and helpless i feel??